Things I am thankful for

As Thanksgiving nears, I have begun thinking about what I am thankful for this year. This has been a very difficult year, a year of loss, pain and sorrow. It has been a year of accepting and grieving losses and pain that goes back to my early childhood. Could I find anything to be thankful for? As I began to reflect on this past year I was quite surprised by the things I found on my list.

1. I am thankful for the car accident on February 14. This car accident which caused double whiplash forced me to a chiropractor, who sent me to a massage therapist, who sent me to a naturopathic doctor, who saw more than the whiplash and began looking for the reasons I couldn’t heal and was having so many other health problems, which resulted in the diagnosis of diabetes, low thyroid function, a viral infection, and menopause (this wasn’t a surprise!), which led to a total diet change, medication and supplements, which resulted in weight loss, energy, relief of most of the health problems, and healing in my neck and back. Looking back, I believe the car wreck, as painful as it was and still is during prolo injections or deep tissue massages, probably saved my life, at least my legs and my eyes. One added benefit of all these health issues has been that God has used my physical symptoms and pain to teach me about my spiritual symptoms. More than once He reminded me about being “stiff-necked” and from someone healing from whiplash, I knew exactly what He was saying. Thank you A&D & staff and Theresa.

2. I am thankful for my husband who has stuck by me for 35 years. It wasn’t an easy task, especially the last few years before the memories and truth finally came out. As my darkness increased, so did my frantic efforts to get out, unfortunately, my husband was the one who bore the brunt of much of my frantic flailing. His love and support, his steadfastness and patience, his willingness to walk through this with me, go to counseling sessions, pray with me when I couldn’t sleep or had a panic attack and was so disoriented I couldn’t remember where I was, has given me space to heal. His provision for me has allowed me the time I need to take care of myself. He is now getting to know and adapt to the “new me”, the one God created me to be, and thinks he might like this one as well or even better than the me he married. Thank you, Marlin. I love you.

3. I am thankful for my sons, Jake, Cody, and Ryan (I am including you in this, you have become one of mine). They have stood by me during this season of processing. They have cried with me, supported and encouraged me, helped me with projects I couldn’t do, been there when their dad was out of town to make sure “momma” was OK. They have been willing to discuss how my past might have affected them because I raised them “in my darkness”. They have forgiven me for any wounds or pain I caused them during their childhood and continue to include me in their lives because they want to, not because they have to. Thanks guys. I love you all.

4. I am thankful for my daughters, Kate and Shi (you are one of mine, too). These women have been an amazing support system through this whole ordeal especially in light of the fact that they were dealing with their own ordeals, a kidney donation, a daughter with epilepsy, miscarriage, pregnancy, caesarean section, moving. Both of them realized how much I needed to hear from or spend time with my grandchildren and went out of their way to give me that time. Their patience and support, their lack of judgment or pressure, their willingness to include me in fun things gave me the strength and courage to keep walking through the process on those really dark days when nothing made sense. Thank you both. You are such great mothers to my grandkids. I love you.

5. I am thankful for my grandchildren, Taylor, Logan, Allie and Adrie. They are the reason I am still here and didn’t give in to the voices that said to take my own life. They are the reason I began to question things about myself, my past, and why they were the only ones I could love or feel love from. I know God used my grandchildren to begin the process of cracking open my dead, hard heart so He could begin the work of restoration. I often thought that my grandchildren were the only ones who could ever see the real me trapped inside that life of darkness. They have given me such vivid examples of being accepted and loved for who I am. They have taught me how to play, have fun, be childlike, things I never learned during my own childhood. Thank you, you have all given me much more than I feel I can ever give you. I love you all.

6. I am thankful for my friends. I am so blessed to have a group of godly women who have walked with me in the darkness, then through the valley and up the mountain and are now ready to get to know the “new restored me”. God has used these women in so many ways from phone calls on days I was so full of despair I wasn’t sure if I could continue, Bible studies and times of prayer, incuding me in normal activities that didn’t include the words abuse, pornography, neglect or abandonment. They have cried with me, grieved with me and stood in the gap for me until I could stand on my own. They have provided a safe place for me to heal. Thank you, ladies. I love each one of you like a sister.

7. I am thankful for my new friends who have allowed me to walk with them as they travel through their own valleys and up their mountains. I feel so humbled and honored to be part of the healing process that God is doing in their lives. Hold on, sisters. Keep walking. I promise you it is worth the effort and pain.

8. Most importantly, I am thankful for my faith in God, the gift of salvation through the blood of Jesus, and the working of the Holy Spirit in me to sanctify me and lead me into the presence of God. This year that is winding down brought me to my knees in every aspect of my life: health, financial, physical, emotional, marital, and spiritual. I broke into a thousand tiny pieces. Everything I thought I was, I had, I deserved, I controlled was put under the Light of Truth and sadly, much of it was found to be rubbish, lies, sin that had to be discarded. I was naked and defenseless, totally vulnerable and dependent. At one point in my journaling after a rough day with the lure of the pit and the comfort of the darkness calling, I asked God why this process of dealing with the truth and weeding out lies was so painful and took so long. God answered me with a vision of putting puzzles together with Taylor and Logan. He reminded me that the first thing we did was to sort the pieces and make sure we had the right pieces for the right puzzle (since we often did two at the same table and the same time) and that all the pieces were out of the boxes. God told me that the process I was going through was like that, getting all the pieces out and then sorting them to see which pieces really belonged in my puzzle only He was the one doing the sorting and He would be the one to put it together. (It was such a beautiful encounter with God that I will share the whole thing at another time.) Imagine, the One who created the universe was willing to sort my puzzle pieces and then put me back together the way He created me to be. It was through encounters like that with God that He became real to me, that He became my Abba, Jesus became my Friend and Confidant, the Holy Spirit became my Intercessor and Guide.

I never understood how God expected us to be joyful in all things and to be thankful in all circumstances ( Eph. 5:20 and 1 Thess. 5:18). Now I know and am continuing to learn how to do this well in a manner pleasing to the Lord. I am still not quite ready to list my childhood or my sexual abuse as things I am thankful for but I know God isn’t quite finished with the process yet. Maybe they will be on the list next year!

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. When someone asks you what you are thankful for, think outside the box, you might be surprised what you find. I know I was.