As Thanksgiving nears, I have begun thinking about what I am thankful for this year. This has been a very difficult year, a year of loss, pain and sorrow. It has been a year of accepting and grieving losses and pain that goes back to my early childhood. Could I find anything to be thankful for? As I began to reflect on this past year I was quite surprised by the things I found on my list.
1. I am thankful for the car accident on February 14. This car accident which caused double whiplash forced me to a chiropractor, who sent me to a massage therapist, who sent me to a naturopathic doctor, who saw more than the whiplash and began looking for the reasons I couldn’t heal and was having so many other health problems, which resulted in the diagnosis of diabetes, low thyroid function, a viral infection, and menopause (this wasn’t a surprise!), which led to a total diet change, medication and supplements, which resulted in weight loss, energy, relief of most of the health problems, and healing in my neck and back. Looking back, I believe the car wreck, as painful as it was and still is during prolo injections or deep tissue massages, probably saved my life, at least my legs and my eyes. One added benefit of all these health issues has been that God has used my physical symptoms and pain to teach me about my spiritual symptoms. More than once He reminded me about being “stiff-necked” and from someone healing from whiplash, I knew exactly what He was saying. Thank you A&D & staff and Theresa.
2. I am thankful for my husband who has stuck by me for 35 years. It wasn’t an easy task, especially the last few years before the memories and truth finally came out. As my darkness increased, so did my frantic efforts to get out, unfortunately, my husband was the one who bore the brunt of much of my frantic flailing. His love and support, his steadfastness and patience, his willingness to walk through this with me, go to counseling sessions, pray with me when I couldn’t sleep or had a panic attack and was so disoriented I couldn’t remember where I was, has given me space to heal. His provision for me has allowed me the time I need to take care of myself. He is now getting to know and adapt to the “new me”, the one God created me to be, and thinks he might like this one as well or even better than the me he married. Thank you, Marlin. I love you.
3. I am thankful for my sons, Jake, Cody, and Ryan (I am including you in this, you have become one of mine). They have stood by me during this season of processing. They have cried with me, supported and encouraged me, helped me with projects I couldn’t do, been there when their dad was out of town to make sure “momma” was OK. They have been willing to discuss how my past might have affected them because I raised them “in my darkness”. They have forgiven me for any wounds or pain I caused them during their childhood and continue to include me in their lives because they want to, not because they have to. Thanks guys. I love you all.
4. I am thankful for my daughters, Kate and Shi (you are one of mine, too). These women have been an amazing support system through this whole ordeal especially in light of the fact that they were dealing with their own ordeals, a kidney donation, a daughter with epilepsy, miscarriage, pregnancy, caesarean section, moving. Both of them realized how much I needed to hear from or spend time with my grandchildren and went out of their way to give me that time. Their patience and support, their lack of judgment or pressure, their willingness to include me in fun things gave me the strength and courage to keep walking through the process on those really dark days when nothing made sense. Thank you both. You are such great mothers to my grandkids. I love you.
5. I am thankful for my grandchildren, Taylor, Logan, Allie and Adrie. They are the reason I am still here and didn’t give in to the voices that said to take my own life. They are the reason I began to question things about myself, my past, and why they were the only ones I could love or feel love from. I know God used my grandchildren to begin the process of cracking open my dead, hard heart so He could begin the work of restoration. I often thought that my grandchildren were the only ones who could ever see the real me trapped inside that life of darkness. They have given me such vivid examples of being accepted and loved for who I am. They have taught me how to play, have fun, be childlike, things I never learned during my own childhood. Thank you, you have all given me much more than I feel I can ever give you. I love you all.
6. I am thankful for my friends. I am so blessed to have a group of godly women who have walked with me in the darkness, then through the valley and up the mountain and are now ready to get to know the “new restored me”. God has used these women in so many ways from phone calls on days I was so full of despair I wasn’t sure if I could continue, Bible studies and times of prayer, incuding me in normal activities that didn’t include the words abuse, pornography, neglect or abandonment. They have cried with me, grieved with me and stood in the gap for me until I could stand on my own. They have provided a safe place for me to heal. Thank you, ladies. I love each one of you like a sister.
7. I am thankful for my new friends who have allowed me to walk with them as they travel through their own valleys and up their mountains. I feel so humbled and honored to be part of the healing process that God is doing in their lives. Hold on, sisters. Keep walking. I promise you it is worth the effort and pain.
8. Most importantly, I am thankful for my faith in God, the gift of salvation through the blood of Jesus, and the working of the Holy Spirit in me to sanctify me and lead me into the presence of God. This year that is winding down brought me to my knees in every aspect of my life: health, financial, physical, emotional, marital, and spiritual. I broke into a thousand tiny pieces. Everything I thought I was, I had, I deserved, I controlled was put under the Light of Truth and sadly, much of it was found to be rubbish, lies, sin that had to be discarded. I was naked and defenseless, totally vulnerable and dependent. At one point in my journaling after a rough day with the lure of the pit and the comfort of the darkness calling, I asked God why this process of dealing with the truth and weeding out lies was so painful and took so long. God answered me with a vision of putting puzzles together with Taylor and Logan. He reminded me that the first thing we did was to sort the pieces and make sure we had the right pieces for the right puzzle (since we often did two at the same table and the same time) and that all the pieces were out of the boxes. God told me that the process I was going through was like that, getting all the pieces out and then sorting them to see which pieces really belonged in my puzzle only He was the one doing the sorting and He would be the one to put it together. (It was such a beautiful encounter with God that I will share the whole thing at another time.) Imagine, the One who created the universe was willing to sort my puzzle pieces and then put me back together the way He created me to be. It was through encounters like that with God that He became real to me, that He became my Abba, Jesus became my Friend and Confidant, the Holy Spirit became my Intercessor and Guide.
I never understood how God expected us to be joyful in all things and to be thankful in all circumstances ( Eph. 5:20 and 1 Thess. 5:18). Now I know and am continuing to learn how to do this well in a manner pleasing to the Lord. I am still not quite ready to list my childhood or my sexual abuse as things I am thankful for but I know God isn’t quite finished with the process yet. Maybe they will be on the list next year!
Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. When someone asks you what you are thankful for, think outside the box, you might be surprised what you find. I know I was.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Finding God
Yesterday was my day for Bible studies. I attend Beth Moore’s Breaking Free in the morning and help lead Developing a Discerning Heart by Entrust that evening. I came home from the studies with a fresh awareness of the amount of pain and isolation in most women’s lives, the secret hurts that they have packed away, the unhealthy coping strategies they have adopted to survive in this sinful world, the guilt and shame they carry about their fallen condition, and the confusion about a God who not only has allowed this into their lives, asks them to acknowledge and feel the pain in order to heal but then to forgive the offenders if they desire complete release from this bondage. As if that isn’t enough, most of these women were wounded by the hands of their parents or by their parents sitting on their hands while they were wounded. Their perceptions of a loving Father, a good Shepherd, and an all-knowing Counselor are as twisted and distorted as the lies they carry in their hearts. These women live lives of quiet desperation trying to figure out how to “be joyful in all things” when they may have no clue what joy is. They try to live out the command to “love your neighbors as you love yourself” when the only feelings they have for themselves are loathing and self-hatred and may never have felt love. They are trying to force the truth of God’s love and compassion, His desire for an intimate relationship, His willingness to restore broken hearts into hard, dead hearts that are safely hidden behind shields to avoid any more damage or wounding.
So where is the good news in all of this? It is at the cross of Jesus. It is beginning to open the door to Him when He knocks on those doors of our heart we have bolted from the inside, the ones that we have used to bury all our pain and hurt and all the things that didn’t make sense. Healing begins when we allow the Shepherd to find us and bring us back into the flock, when we begin to choose fellowship over isolation. It begins when we entertain the possibility that the words of Isaiah 61 concerning why Jesus came to earth “to bring good news to the afflicted… bind up the brokenhearted…proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to prisioners” might actually apply to us too.
I believe there is more that we must do to put ourselves in a posture for receiving the healing touch of the Great Physician. We must come to know our Father. For those of us with hurts from earthly parents this can be a terrifying process. It is one thing to surrender and submit to the healing touch of a suffering Servant, Kinsman Redeemer, our Bridegroom, but when Jesus wants to take us into the presence of the Father for His healing touch we begin to panic. It is a much bigger step to voluntarily come in to the presence of the Almighty Father, Creator, El Elyon, the God who sees. What if God isn’t like His Son? What if He is more like our earthly fathers and less like a daddy? Can the God who destroyed nations, allowed plagues and natural disasters, sent the flood to wipe out a rebellious people, be a good God and loving Father? Can I trust Him? Will He really have time for me and want a relationship with me after all I’ve done?
The answer to these questions is a resounding, “Yes, you can trust Him. He is a good God and loving Father.” I have had many people ask me how I finally found God and learned to trust Him after so many years of depression and darkness. The simple answer is that I determined to know Him. (I love that word “determined”. It means to set your mind to, to decide. Paul used this word in 1 Corinthians 2:2 when he said, “For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.”) I realized after doing the Beth Moore “Believing God” study that I could believe in Jesus and accept His gift of salvation but I couldn’t believe or trust His Father. As hard as I tried and as much as I studied, I just couldn’t. I began to pray and ask God to help me believe and trust Him. I then began studying the Old Testament. I did inductive studies of the prophets, Daniel, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Hosea, Joel, and Zephaniah. I did Mike Bickle’s study on Song of Solomon. I did the other writings of Solomon, Ecclesiates and Proverbs. Right now I am finishing up a study of the Psalms. While I was studying these books of the Old Testament an amazing thing happened. I found God! He is not hidden. His footsteps and fingerprints are all over those books, and even more awesome is His heart for His children and the anguish He feels when His children suffer or He must discipline because of rebellion. I came across so many jewels of truth about who God is and how He feels about His children. Let me share just a few.
I already mentioned Isaiah 61 but have you ever noticed that verse starts out mentioning who was sending Jesus to bind hearts and release captives? “the Lord has anointed me…He has sent me …God was the One doing the sending, to provide a means of release for His trapped children.
In Hosea, God tells about how He will “allure her…speak kindly to her…give her vineyards as a door of hope…betroth her to Me forever in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and compassion.” Beautiful words of gentleness and love directed at wayward children, not the harsh, condemning words of a strict, unfeeling father. The verses that really showed me the true Father’s heart I was seeking were these.
What shall I do with you, O Ephraim?
What shall I do with you, O Judah?
For you loyalty is like a morning cloud
And like the dew which goes away early. Hosea 6:4
How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
How can I surrender you, O Israel?
How can I make you like Adman?
How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart is turned over within Me
All My compassions are kindled. Hosea 11:8
I could feel the anguish and sorrow of the Father at having to punish His rebellious children who had been warned time and time again until He had no choice but to let them bear the consequences of their disobedience. It wasn’t done with a mean spirit or great joy at inflicting pain, it was done by a grieving Father who knew the pain it would cause the children He loved so much, loved even when they were rebellious and disobedient. Could this be the Father I was looking for? Is this what was really in the heart of God? Did He love us that much that He would grieve over having to discipline us? Did He do everything we would allow to draw us to Himself?
It didn’t happen overnight but slowly as my “mind that was determined to know God” kept finding these truths about Him and allowing them to become part of who my God was, I found my heart beginning to grow softer and what was once only head knowledge was now truth in my heart. With this truth about God I was finally free to go to Him with my pain and trust Him for my healing.
If you don’t know God or don’t trust Him, look for Him. He loves it when His children seek Him. Determine with your mind, turn to Him. You will find Him.
“seek and you will find” Matthew 7:7
So where is the good news in all of this? It is at the cross of Jesus. It is beginning to open the door to Him when He knocks on those doors of our heart we have bolted from the inside, the ones that we have used to bury all our pain and hurt and all the things that didn’t make sense. Healing begins when we allow the Shepherd to find us and bring us back into the flock, when we begin to choose fellowship over isolation. It begins when we entertain the possibility that the words of Isaiah 61 concerning why Jesus came to earth “to bring good news to the afflicted… bind up the brokenhearted…proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to prisioners” might actually apply to us too.
I believe there is more that we must do to put ourselves in a posture for receiving the healing touch of the Great Physician. We must come to know our Father. For those of us with hurts from earthly parents this can be a terrifying process. It is one thing to surrender and submit to the healing touch of a suffering Servant, Kinsman Redeemer, our Bridegroom, but when Jesus wants to take us into the presence of the Father for His healing touch we begin to panic. It is a much bigger step to voluntarily come in to the presence of the Almighty Father, Creator, El Elyon, the God who sees. What if God isn’t like His Son? What if He is more like our earthly fathers and less like a daddy? Can the God who destroyed nations, allowed plagues and natural disasters, sent the flood to wipe out a rebellious people, be a good God and loving Father? Can I trust Him? Will He really have time for me and want a relationship with me after all I’ve done?
The answer to these questions is a resounding, “Yes, you can trust Him. He is a good God and loving Father.” I have had many people ask me how I finally found God and learned to trust Him after so many years of depression and darkness. The simple answer is that I determined to know Him. (I love that word “determined”. It means to set your mind to, to decide. Paul used this word in 1 Corinthians 2:2 when he said, “For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.”) I realized after doing the Beth Moore “Believing God” study that I could believe in Jesus and accept His gift of salvation but I couldn’t believe or trust His Father. As hard as I tried and as much as I studied, I just couldn’t. I began to pray and ask God to help me believe and trust Him. I then began studying the Old Testament. I did inductive studies of the prophets, Daniel, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Hosea, Joel, and Zephaniah. I did Mike Bickle’s study on Song of Solomon. I did the other writings of Solomon, Ecclesiates and Proverbs. Right now I am finishing up a study of the Psalms. While I was studying these books of the Old Testament an amazing thing happened. I found God! He is not hidden. His footsteps and fingerprints are all over those books, and even more awesome is His heart for His children and the anguish He feels when His children suffer or He must discipline because of rebellion. I came across so many jewels of truth about who God is and how He feels about His children. Let me share just a few.
I already mentioned Isaiah 61 but have you ever noticed that verse starts out mentioning who was sending Jesus to bind hearts and release captives? “the Lord has anointed me…He has sent me …God was the One doing the sending, to provide a means of release for His trapped children.
In Hosea, God tells about how He will “allure her…speak kindly to her…give her vineyards as a door of hope…betroth her to Me forever in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and compassion.” Beautiful words of gentleness and love directed at wayward children, not the harsh, condemning words of a strict, unfeeling father. The verses that really showed me the true Father’s heart I was seeking were these.
What shall I do with you, O Ephraim?
What shall I do with you, O Judah?
For you loyalty is like a morning cloud
And like the dew which goes away early. Hosea 6:4
How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
How can I surrender you, O Israel?
How can I make you like Adman?
How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart is turned over within Me
All My compassions are kindled. Hosea 11:8
I could feel the anguish and sorrow of the Father at having to punish His rebellious children who had been warned time and time again until He had no choice but to let them bear the consequences of their disobedience. It wasn’t done with a mean spirit or great joy at inflicting pain, it was done by a grieving Father who knew the pain it would cause the children He loved so much, loved even when they were rebellious and disobedient. Could this be the Father I was looking for? Is this what was really in the heart of God? Did He love us that much that He would grieve over having to discipline us? Did He do everything we would allow to draw us to Himself?
It didn’t happen overnight but slowly as my “mind that was determined to know God” kept finding these truths about Him and allowing them to become part of who my God was, I found my heart beginning to grow softer and what was once only head knowledge was now truth in my heart. With this truth about God I was finally free to go to Him with my pain and trust Him for my healing.
If you don’t know God or don’t trust Him, look for Him. He loves it when His children seek Him. Determine with your mind, turn to Him. You will find Him.
“seek and you will find” Matthew 7:7
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The witness of an imperfect life
I recently watched this video after hearing about it from a friend. Before you read what I wrote, please watch it. It takes about six minutes and you will definitely need a box of Kleenex but please don’t let that stop you from experiencing it. It is so worth the tears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0
I don’t think I have ever experienced such a rush of emotions over a six minute video. My tears started the minute the video started and hours later I was still crying. I experienced feelings of extreme sadness, conviction, and comfort. As I am prone to do lately, I began asking myself what it was about this video that touched my heart so extremely. Why had this video of this baby’s short life impacted me in so many ways at so many different levels? I prayed and asked God to help me unpack what I felt and to see what He wanted me to see. I would like to share what He showed me and how this touched my heart.
The first perspective I viewed this video with was through the eyes of a parent and grandparent. The sorrow and sadness of this short life was overwhelming as was the pain and confusion for the parents and grandparents of this tiny baby. As I began to examine this perspective, I realized that this was different than what I saw on the video. I didn’t see sorrow or sadness, I saw joy. I didn’t see anger and confusion, I saw peace. I didn’t see withdrawal of affection or refusal to love, I saw extreme love. I didn’t see a couple questioning God, demanding answers or fairness, I saw a young couple walking the path God had for them, taking one day at a time, enjoying and treasuring each day, knowing that unless God sent a healing miracle, their baby would die soon.
My sorrow and sadness for the loss of a child and the grief of the parents quickly turned to conviction and I cried fresh tears for my stubborn, rebellious heart and how I would have reacted in a similar situation. Would I have even had the faith and courage to choose to carry this “defective” baby to term or would I have done what made sense to the world, terminate it in the best interests of the baby and the parents? My heart was broken at the selfishness of my own heart and the heart of a nation who doesn’t view life, especially a less than perfect life as a treasure and blessing from God, who believe the deception that to terminate life is a noble motive. The world tells us we are in control of our own bodies so we can choose life or death. God tells us He is in control. The sorrow and anger He must feel about a nation who has removed the choice of life and death from His hands.
As I was thinking about this, I was further convicted by the opposite emotions and actions I saw in the parents as they walked through their decision to choose life for their baby. How would I have handled this? Would I have spent ninety nine days crying out to God, “Why? This isn’t fair. Fix it.”, demanding that God tell me the purpose for this before I engaged in the process and path He had for me? I was grieved once again at my selfishness to think if that had been my choice I would have missed the ninety nine days of blessing and joy that this couple enjoyed with their baby. I would have missed the path God had for me because it didn’t make sense or it was too painful to walk, whatever reason my selfish heart would have given to justify not loving this baby and cherishing each minute I had with him. I again cried tears of conviction for all the times I had not walked the path God had for me because it was too painful or didn’t make sense or wasn’t a path I really wanted to walk. I cried for the peace, joy, love I missed because of my selfishness and my attempts to shield my heart from pain or suffering.
The love and joy shining from the eyes of the parents, the pride in the daddy’s voice as he bragged about small steps that to most of us who have raised children blow by without any notice, the peace they shared when they said good-bye were in such contrast to way I was raised and unfortunately to the way I raised my own children. God began taking my tears of repentance at the selfishness of my heart, my failures as a parent, my loss as a child and began speaking words of Truth. He asked me where I thought the parents got the strength to walk this path for ninety nine days. It was a long enough time that human effort would have worn thin with the chaos and confusion of a sick baby, lack of sleep, death of the baby looming. I knew the answer was God, that He had given them the strength to walk this path well, to love this baby as a blessing from Him, living and treasuring each day, celebrating tiny victories and persevering to the end, even if the end was death. It was at that moment that I realized that the parent’s were reflecting the father heart of God, our Abba. We had been allowed to see God’s heart for His children.
He began to comfort me with the truth of how He felt about us, His truth, not the truth based on my earthly parents or the damage done by the world. We are not so different from baby Elliot. We are all born defective in some way and most of us become even more defective as we grow up. To God we are all His treasures in spite of our defects. He doesn’t see our defects, He sees children with potential, full of life and possibilities. He loves us unconditionally just like the parents who loved their son even though he wasn’t perfect. He wants what is best for us and only He knows what that is. He is not like earthly parents who often don’t know how or don’t show love. This small little boy was not defined by his imperfection as the world wanted, but by the unconditional love and support of his parents. Their love gave this baby’s life purpose and meaning, even if it was only for ninety nine days.
He then showed me that we are like Elliot in that we can’t fix our own defects. This baby was totally dependent on the care of his loving parents. He had nothing within himself to fix his defects. How much time have I spent trying to fix myself so I can be good enough to be loved? I have been deeply loved all along. God might see my wounds or imperfections but it doesn’t change the way He feels about me. He doesn’t compare my successes and failures with any of His other children or think less of me because of my struggles. I think God, just like the proud father in the video, is delighted with each small step we take. He is our biggest cheerleader.
I am still humbled by the unconditional love of these parents and the way they walked the path laid out for them with such grace and joy. It couldn’t have been easy or comfortable and certainly didn’t make sense or seem fair, but they chose to walk it with God and do it well. I am also honored to have been invited into the short life of Baby Elliot. I am amazed at the impact that this tiny little life, imperfect by the world’s standard, that only lasted ninety nine days, had on the country. This video was on Oprah and brought her and the audience to tears. It has been viewed on You Tube almost 1.5 million times. That is no small witness because whether people realize it or not, when they watch this video, they are seeing straight into the heart of God. Somehow this doesn’t seem like an imperfect life but one that was used mightily by God for His purposes. Oh, that my life, however long it will be, could have that significant of an impact and be such a witness to a world that so desperately needs a Savior.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0
I don’t think I have ever experienced such a rush of emotions over a six minute video. My tears started the minute the video started and hours later I was still crying. I experienced feelings of extreme sadness, conviction, and comfort. As I am prone to do lately, I began asking myself what it was about this video that touched my heart so extremely. Why had this video of this baby’s short life impacted me in so many ways at so many different levels? I prayed and asked God to help me unpack what I felt and to see what He wanted me to see. I would like to share what He showed me and how this touched my heart.
The first perspective I viewed this video with was through the eyes of a parent and grandparent. The sorrow and sadness of this short life was overwhelming as was the pain and confusion for the parents and grandparents of this tiny baby. As I began to examine this perspective, I realized that this was different than what I saw on the video. I didn’t see sorrow or sadness, I saw joy. I didn’t see anger and confusion, I saw peace. I didn’t see withdrawal of affection or refusal to love, I saw extreme love. I didn’t see a couple questioning God, demanding answers or fairness, I saw a young couple walking the path God had for them, taking one day at a time, enjoying and treasuring each day, knowing that unless God sent a healing miracle, their baby would die soon.
My sorrow and sadness for the loss of a child and the grief of the parents quickly turned to conviction and I cried fresh tears for my stubborn, rebellious heart and how I would have reacted in a similar situation. Would I have even had the faith and courage to choose to carry this “defective” baby to term or would I have done what made sense to the world, terminate it in the best interests of the baby and the parents? My heart was broken at the selfishness of my own heart and the heart of a nation who doesn’t view life, especially a less than perfect life as a treasure and blessing from God, who believe the deception that to terminate life is a noble motive. The world tells us we are in control of our own bodies so we can choose life or death. God tells us He is in control. The sorrow and anger He must feel about a nation who has removed the choice of life and death from His hands.
As I was thinking about this, I was further convicted by the opposite emotions and actions I saw in the parents as they walked through their decision to choose life for their baby. How would I have handled this? Would I have spent ninety nine days crying out to God, “Why? This isn’t fair. Fix it.”, demanding that God tell me the purpose for this before I engaged in the process and path He had for me? I was grieved once again at my selfishness to think if that had been my choice I would have missed the ninety nine days of blessing and joy that this couple enjoyed with their baby. I would have missed the path God had for me because it didn’t make sense or it was too painful to walk, whatever reason my selfish heart would have given to justify not loving this baby and cherishing each minute I had with him. I again cried tears of conviction for all the times I had not walked the path God had for me because it was too painful or didn’t make sense or wasn’t a path I really wanted to walk. I cried for the peace, joy, love I missed because of my selfishness and my attempts to shield my heart from pain or suffering.
The love and joy shining from the eyes of the parents, the pride in the daddy’s voice as he bragged about small steps that to most of us who have raised children blow by without any notice, the peace they shared when they said good-bye were in such contrast to way I was raised and unfortunately to the way I raised my own children. God began taking my tears of repentance at the selfishness of my heart, my failures as a parent, my loss as a child and began speaking words of Truth. He asked me where I thought the parents got the strength to walk this path for ninety nine days. It was a long enough time that human effort would have worn thin with the chaos and confusion of a sick baby, lack of sleep, death of the baby looming. I knew the answer was God, that He had given them the strength to walk this path well, to love this baby as a blessing from Him, living and treasuring each day, celebrating tiny victories and persevering to the end, even if the end was death. It was at that moment that I realized that the parent’s were reflecting the father heart of God, our Abba. We had been allowed to see God’s heart for His children.
He began to comfort me with the truth of how He felt about us, His truth, not the truth based on my earthly parents or the damage done by the world. We are not so different from baby Elliot. We are all born defective in some way and most of us become even more defective as we grow up. To God we are all His treasures in spite of our defects. He doesn’t see our defects, He sees children with potential, full of life and possibilities. He loves us unconditionally just like the parents who loved their son even though he wasn’t perfect. He wants what is best for us and only He knows what that is. He is not like earthly parents who often don’t know how or don’t show love. This small little boy was not defined by his imperfection as the world wanted, but by the unconditional love and support of his parents. Their love gave this baby’s life purpose and meaning, even if it was only for ninety nine days.
He then showed me that we are like Elliot in that we can’t fix our own defects. This baby was totally dependent on the care of his loving parents. He had nothing within himself to fix his defects. How much time have I spent trying to fix myself so I can be good enough to be loved? I have been deeply loved all along. God might see my wounds or imperfections but it doesn’t change the way He feels about me. He doesn’t compare my successes and failures with any of His other children or think less of me because of my struggles. I think God, just like the proud father in the video, is delighted with each small step we take. He is our biggest cheerleader.
I am still humbled by the unconditional love of these parents and the way they walked the path laid out for them with such grace and joy. It couldn’t have been easy or comfortable and certainly didn’t make sense or seem fair, but they chose to walk it with God and do it well. I am also honored to have been invited into the short life of Baby Elliot. I am amazed at the impact that this tiny little life, imperfect by the world’s standard, that only lasted ninety nine days, had on the country. This video was on Oprah and brought her and the audience to tears. It has been viewed on You Tube almost 1.5 million times. That is no small witness because whether people realize it or not, when they watch this video, they are seeing straight into the heart of God. Somehow this doesn’t seem like an imperfect life but one that was used mightily by God for His purposes. Oh, that my life, however long it will be, could have that significant of an impact and be such a witness to a world that so desperately needs a Savior.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
"Rebuilding Ancient Ruins"
Thoughts on week 4 of “Breaking Free”
“Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins”
What an amazing God we serve! I was overwhelmed this week by the love and mercy of my Abba.
This week’s lessons in Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study moved me to tears most days and I was humbled and honored to be a recipient of the promises God gives to His children who love and obey Him. Having just recently gone through a season of total demolition in preparation for a full life remodel of mind, body and spirit, I found this lesson very affirming of what I see God doing in my life but also what He wants to do in the life of my children, grandchildren and future generations I will probably never live to meet. I know I am on the road to healing and total restoration when I can look back at my life of abandonment, neglect, betrayal, and abuse and thank God that He has given me an opportunity to make a difference to the people whom I love the most, my children and grandchildren. I believe I have turned the corner and entered a new stage of life when my focus is no longer on the past, the damage, the pain but on the hope and possibilities that a freed life, walked in Truth and Light, clothed with garments of praise offers both me and those I love. God has taken something painful and ugly and, by my willingness to submit to His plan and process, has transformed it into a love story that reflects His love and compassion. I am so humbled to think the God who created the universe wants to use my whisper of a life to impact future generations and maybe others throughout the world who need to find a way to the loving arms of their Abba.
I was especially touched this week by the section on dreams for our grandchildren. This part was especially poignant as I just recently said good-bye to Taylor, my six year old granddaughter, and Logan, my four year old grandson, when they moved with their parents to become missionaries in India. I could feel God touching my heart, as the tears came yet again, and showing me that my past few years of such intense sorrow, loss, and suffering, dealing with the truth of my life and breaking free of chains that have held me since early childhood were indeed seen by Him and that He had already begun to use my feeble, faltering steps out of generations of bondage to transform the lives of my future generations. My willingness to walk through the pain and suffering of my past, to submit to His process of restoration for a broken life, brought such overwhelming, unexpected joy and hope that I was again brought to tears. My pain and sorrow has indeed been turned into joy and hope just like He promised it would be.
I am excited to see how God will move in the lives of my grandchildren. Before they left for India, my daughter asked Taylor what she wanted to be when she grew up. Previous answers had always been either a princess or a pony rider (whatever that is) but her answer this time was quite different. She said she wanted to be a woman who would rescue childrens (that is what she calls them since there are so many of them) in slavery, those kids who didn’t have a mommy or daddy, a nice bed, food or clothing and had to live with bad people. She prayed for the childrens to be OK until she could grow up to come get them and for the bad people who were keeping them as slaves. The faith of a child… oh, that we would all have this kind of faith.
My grandson, Logan, was asked the same question. Before moving to India, his answer was that he wanted to be an elephant so he could spray water on people. We describe Logan as the perfect cross between Curious George and Dennis the Menace. His answer wasn’t a surprise. After only two months in India, he proclaimed one day that he thought he was going to grow up and fight the armies of Shiva. This four year old child has no idea or knowledge of the armies of Shiva that are worshipped and honored in India as part of the Hindi faith. I can only surmise that God has already started working in his little heart preparing him for the walk that He has for him. Among the Americans in River City (fictious name to protect their location), Logan is being called the Little Prophet because of his willingness to tell the Hindi people he comes in contact with that his family doesn’t worship idols or false gods. I can already see God drawing this curious, usually wiggly and dirty little boy onto the path that He has set out for him. What a grand and glorious adventure both of these children have ahead of them! To think that my struggle to fight and stand up after generations of bondage is already being used by God before the process is even totally completed in me…..He needs faith as small as a mustard seed…the size doesn’t matter, it is the seed that He needs. My step toward healing has given Him that seed!
I would be lying to say that I am totally freed from my past, that I don’t have days where I am weary or frustrated, angry or emotional about the devastation in my life and how it hurt me and those I love. It would be a lie to say that I have peace everyday about the path I see God calling my children and grandchildren to walk or things He is asking me to do. I have come to accept that it is a process and will be a lifelong process of first walking out of my bondage and then choosing to live it every hour of every day, one step at a time. The difference now is that I have Hope and His name is Jesus. On those days when I can’t find my way or life doesn’t make sense, I run to my Savior and my Abba for the validation and comfort I need to keep walking. My plan has become His plan and my purpose is now His, for me and those I love. I can’t change my past or where He has placed my grandchildren but I can choose daily to trust Him and believe that He is in control. Many days this newfound peace and freedom brings me to my knees in praise of my Abba who pursued me into my pit of destruction and never gave up on me and for His Son, Jesus, who paid the price for my sins so I might have a relationship with Him now and forever.
My prayer is that if you too know this kind of freedom that you will continue to walk in it and never take it for granted. If you don’t know this kind of freedom, I pray that you will seek God with your whole heart, desiring truth above all else and submit to His process for restoration. Whatever it might cost you pales in comparison to the unsurpassing riches of His glory and grace in Christ Jesus.
“Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins”
What an amazing God we serve! I was overwhelmed this week by the love and mercy of my Abba.
This week’s lessons in Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study moved me to tears most days and I was humbled and honored to be a recipient of the promises God gives to His children who love and obey Him. Having just recently gone through a season of total demolition in preparation for a full life remodel of mind, body and spirit, I found this lesson very affirming of what I see God doing in my life but also what He wants to do in the life of my children, grandchildren and future generations I will probably never live to meet. I know I am on the road to healing and total restoration when I can look back at my life of abandonment, neglect, betrayal, and abuse and thank God that He has given me an opportunity to make a difference to the people whom I love the most, my children and grandchildren. I believe I have turned the corner and entered a new stage of life when my focus is no longer on the past, the damage, the pain but on the hope and possibilities that a freed life, walked in Truth and Light, clothed with garments of praise offers both me and those I love. God has taken something painful and ugly and, by my willingness to submit to His plan and process, has transformed it into a love story that reflects His love and compassion. I am so humbled to think the God who created the universe wants to use my whisper of a life to impact future generations and maybe others throughout the world who need to find a way to the loving arms of their Abba.
I was especially touched this week by the section on dreams for our grandchildren. This part was especially poignant as I just recently said good-bye to Taylor, my six year old granddaughter, and Logan, my four year old grandson, when they moved with their parents to become missionaries in India. I could feel God touching my heart, as the tears came yet again, and showing me that my past few years of such intense sorrow, loss, and suffering, dealing with the truth of my life and breaking free of chains that have held me since early childhood were indeed seen by Him and that He had already begun to use my feeble, faltering steps out of generations of bondage to transform the lives of my future generations. My willingness to walk through the pain and suffering of my past, to submit to His process of restoration for a broken life, brought such overwhelming, unexpected joy and hope that I was again brought to tears. My pain and sorrow has indeed been turned into joy and hope just like He promised it would be.
I am excited to see how God will move in the lives of my grandchildren. Before they left for India, my daughter asked Taylor what she wanted to be when she grew up. Previous answers had always been either a princess or a pony rider (whatever that is) but her answer this time was quite different. She said she wanted to be a woman who would rescue childrens (that is what she calls them since there are so many of them) in slavery, those kids who didn’t have a mommy or daddy, a nice bed, food or clothing and had to live with bad people. She prayed for the childrens to be OK until she could grow up to come get them and for the bad people who were keeping them as slaves. The faith of a child… oh, that we would all have this kind of faith.
My grandson, Logan, was asked the same question. Before moving to India, his answer was that he wanted to be an elephant so he could spray water on people. We describe Logan as the perfect cross between Curious George and Dennis the Menace. His answer wasn’t a surprise. After only two months in India, he proclaimed one day that he thought he was going to grow up and fight the armies of Shiva. This four year old child has no idea or knowledge of the armies of Shiva that are worshipped and honored in India as part of the Hindi faith. I can only surmise that God has already started working in his little heart preparing him for the walk that He has for him. Among the Americans in River City (fictious name to protect their location), Logan is being called the Little Prophet because of his willingness to tell the Hindi people he comes in contact with that his family doesn’t worship idols or false gods. I can already see God drawing this curious, usually wiggly and dirty little boy onto the path that He has set out for him. What a grand and glorious adventure both of these children have ahead of them! To think that my struggle to fight and stand up after generations of bondage is already being used by God before the process is even totally completed in me…..He needs faith as small as a mustard seed…the size doesn’t matter, it is the seed that He needs. My step toward healing has given Him that seed!
I would be lying to say that I am totally freed from my past, that I don’t have days where I am weary or frustrated, angry or emotional about the devastation in my life and how it hurt me and those I love. It would be a lie to say that I have peace everyday about the path I see God calling my children and grandchildren to walk or things He is asking me to do. I have come to accept that it is a process and will be a lifelong process of first walking out of my bondage and then choosing to live it every hour of every day, one step at a time. The difference now is that I have Hope and His name is Jesus. On those days when I can’t find my way or life doesn’t make sense, I run to my Savior and my Abba for the validation and comfort I need to keep walking. My plan has become His plan and my purpose is now His, for me and those I love. I can’t change my past or where He has placed my grandchildren but I can choose daily to trust Him and believe that He is in control. Many days this newfound peace and freedom brings me to my knees in praise of my Abba who pursued me into my pit of destruction and never gave up on me and for His Son, Jesus, who paid the price for my sins so I might have a relationship with Him now and forever.
My prayer is that if you too know this kind of freedom that you will continue to walk in it and never take it for granted. If you don’t know this kind of freedom, I pray that you will seek God with your whole heart, desiring truth above all else and submit to His process for restoration. Whatever it might cost you pales in comparison to the unsurpassing riches of His glory and grace in Christ Jesus.
The reason for the name of this blog
Many of you might be wondering about the name for this blog. One week prior to my memory of the childhood sexual abuse which began my journey up the mountain of healing from the lies buried in my heart I was journaling and asking God what He had to say to me that day. I was not prepared for His answer that day. I would like to share parts of that entry to explain why the title of this blog seemed a natural choice for my story.
"You have come a long way from the scared little girl from Kansas with no plan, hope or future. It hasn't always been an easy walk for you. You hold onto "things" very tightly. You are very self-reliant and stubborn. You are smart and logical. None of these things is bad when used for Me but they are hard obstacles for you to climb over, lay down, when you don't release them and try to get to Me with all this stuff in your way. Many of my children need to grow up, step up, accept responsibility. You, my child, need to learn to lay it down, relax, rest, enjoy life. I know you can do things for Me and will do them well but will you enjoy Me, our walk together? Will your face reflect joy, peace, overflowing, abundant love? Will you smile and laugh? Dance with Me? You are so willing to go - build houses, churches in hot dirty places, feed My chilren who need a place to feel loved, allow My treasures - the broken, dirty ones into your life and your home - but do you enjoy Me? I want to share fun with you - I didn't make you as a beast of burden. You are not a plow horse, oxen or camel. You are My delight - a beautiful woman inside and out - with a soft heart, willing hands but you don't share it. I see you take on the cares of the world, head down in shame and failure, knees buckled, arms hanging dowm, dejected. It breaks my heart to see you that way. I don't want that for you. I created you to dance with Me, dance through your life, over life, in other's lives. I created you to be filled with joy and peace - it is My gift to you - take it. Let me have your cares and worries, you can't fix them only I can. I want your walk to be an adventure. Take off your work boots, put on your dancing shoes. The world won't stop turning because you had fun, smiled, rested, relaxed, enjoyed your life. Trust Me. I will tell you when to put on your work boot - until then let's dance."
"Stop, lay it all down and dance with Me. Let Me hold you close, feel My arms around you, let Me lead - you follow. Close your eyes, feel the music, it is My music - my speed, my sounds and just dance. The greatest gift you can give Me is your smile - to see you so full of joy, so confident in Me and who you are in Me that all I can see is your smile. Dance with Me. Smile for Me."
It was at this time that God began calling me His dancing princess.
Within a week, after crying out to God and asking Him to show me what was keeping me from dancing with Him, He revealed the truth of my past and has been taking me on a journey to beome the woman He created me to be and not the woman the world created me to be. I am truly beoming His dancing princess. I believe God wants that for all His children, not just me.
Do you enjoy God? Will you dance with Him?
"You have come a long way from the scared little girl from Kansas with no plan, hope or future. It hasn't always been an easy walk for you. You hold onto "things" very tightly. You are very self-reliant and stubborn. You are smart and logical. None of these things is bad when used for Me but they are hard obstacles for you to climb over, lay down, when you don't release them and try to get to Me with all this stuff in your way. Many of my children need to grow up, step up, accept responsibility. You, my child, need to learn to lay it down, relax, rest, enjoy life. I know you can do things for Me and will do them well but will you enjoy Me, our walk together? Will your face reflect joy, peace, overflowing, abundant love? Will you smile and laugh? Dance with Me? You are so willing to go - build houses, churches in hot dirty places, feed My chilren who need a place to feel loved, allow My treasures - the broken, dirty ones into your life and your home - but do you enjoy Me? I want to share fun with you - I didn't make you as a beast of burden. You are not a plow horse, oxen or camel. You are My delight - a beautiful woman inside and out - with a soft heart, willing hands but you don't share it. I see you take on the cares of the world, head down in shame and failure, knees buckled, arms hanging dowm, dejected. It breaks my heart to see you that way. I don't want that for you. I created you to dance with Me, dance through your life, over life, in other's lives. I created you to be filled with joy and peace - it is My gift to you - take it. Let me have your cares and worries, you can't fix them only I can. I want your walk to be an adventure. Take off your work boots, put on your dancing shoes. The world won't stop turning because you had fun, smiled, rested, relaxed, enjoyed your life. Trust Me. I will tell you when to put on your work boot - until then let's dance."
"Stop, lay it all down and dance with Me. Let Me hold you close, feel My arms around you, let Me lead - you follow. Close your eyes, feel the music, it is My music - my speed, my sounds and just dance. The greatest gift you can give Me is your smile - to see you so full of joy, so confident in Me and who you are in Me that all I can see is your smile. Dance with Me. Smile for Me."
It was at this time that God began calling me His dancing princess.
Within a week, after crying out to God and asking Him to show me what was keeping me from dancing with Him, He revealed the truth of my past and has been taking me on a journey to beome the woman He created me to be and not the woman the world created me to be. I am truly beoming His dancing princess. I believe God wants that for all His children, not just me.
Do you enjoy God? Will you dance with Him?
The reason for this blog
Our God is so amazing!
One year ago I was living in a pit of despair and darkness so black that suicide seemed the only answer. I was utterly hopeless and filled with such despair that no amount of Bible studies, sermons, books could reach the place where I lived. The only thing that stopped me from taking my life was the faces of my grandchildren, especially my two beautiful granddaughters. I didn't love myself enough to keep living but I loved them enough not to saddle them with the legacy of their Sassy (as they call me) ending her life by her own hands. I remember that day so clearly because it would have been so easy to slip into the darkness forever, to stop fighting, to let my mind go blank, to have the pain, fear, nightmares, voices finally stop. My choice to not give in to the darkness, I believe, was the starting point that God used to begin the process of revealing truth to me about my past and then walking me up the mountain on which I would find His Truth which led to healing and restoration.
For almost a year I have been walking up that mountain, digging up lie after lie, planted in a child's tender heart at an early age by distant, unloving parents, a sexually abusive uncle, and numerous other people over the years who added further injuries to an already damaged heart. As each lie was revealed, God would ask me to release it to Him so He could replace it with His Truth. I described this process of digging up the lies to a friend as feeling strangely like ripping off your own skin. It was an extremely a painful, disorienting, lonely, frightening process but I was never alone or forgotten. My Jesus was with me on every step up that mountain. When I couldn't go on, He carried me or waited patiently for me to regain strength to begin the climb again. I am summiting that mountain now and the view from the top is breathtaking. The feeling of freedom and liberty is like nothing I could have imagined.
Although this journey has been the hardest things I have ever done and the price has been more than I ever thought I would have to pay, I can say with total absolute conviction that every painful step, every lie revealed and released, every loss I had to mourn, every dream that died was all rubbish in comparison to my new view of life from lap of my Heavenly Father and the reality of who and whose I am.
God was so good to speak so loudly and clearly to me before and during my journey. Much of my healing happened during my quiet times while journaling with Him. I believe God wants to use my story of pain and suffering transformed into joy and peace to reach others trapped in their own pits of darkness and despair and to nudge them in the direction of healing, right into the arms of Abba. Isaiah 61 is as true for those of us who dwell in pits as it was for the Israelites:
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
Because the Lord has anointed me
To bring good news to the afflicted;
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to captives
And freedom to prisoners:
To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:1-3
God is pursuing you for release from your prison, whatever it is. Will you allow Him to set you free?
One year ago I was living in a pit of despair and darkness so black that suicide seemed the only answer. I was utterly hopeless and filled with such despair that no amount of Bible studies, sermons, books could reach the place where I lived. The only thing that stopped me from taking my life was the faces of my grandchildren, especially my two beautiful granddaughters. I didn't love myself enough to keep living but I loved them enough not to saddle them with the legacy of their Sassy (as they call me) ending her life by her own hands. I remember that day so clearly because it would have been so easy to slip into the darkness forever, to stop fighting, to let my mind go blank, to have the pain, fear, nightmares, voices finally stop. My choice to not give in to the darkness, I believe, was the starting point that God used to begin the process of revealing truth to me about my past and then walking me up the mountain on which I would find His Truth which led to healing and restoration.
For almost a year I have been walking up that mountain, digging up lie after lie, planted in a child's tender heart at an early age by distant, unloving parents, a sexually abusive uncle, and numerous other people over the years who added further injuries to an already damaged heart. As each lie was revealed, God would ask me to release it to Him so He could replace it with His Truth. I described this process of digging up the lies to a friend as feeling strangely like ripping off your own skin. It was an extremely a painful, disorienting, lonely, frightening process but I was never alone or forgotten. My Jesus was with me on every step up that mountain. When I couldn't go on, He carried me or waited patiently for me to regain strength to begin the climb again. I am summiting that mountain now and the view from the top is breathtaking. The feeling of freedom and liberty is like nothing I could have imagined.
Although this journey has been the hardest things I have ever done and the price has been more than I ever thought I would have to pay, I can say with total absolute conviction that every painful step, every lie revealed and released, every loss I had to mourn, every dream that died was all rubbish in comparison to my new view of life from lap of my Heavenly Father and the reality of who and whose I am.
God was so good to speak so loudly and clearly to me before and during my journey. Much of my healing happened during my quiet times while journaling with Him. I believe God wants to use my story of pain and suffering transformed into joy and peace to reach others trapped in their own pits of darkness and despair and to nudge them in the direction of healing, right into the arms of Abba. Isaiah 61 is as true for those of us who dwell in pits as it was for the Israelites:
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
Because the Lord has anointed me
To bring good news to the afflicted;
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to captives
And freedom to prisoners:
To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:1-3
God is pursuing you for release from your prison, whatever it is. Will you allow Him to set you free?
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