Finding God

Yesterday was my day for Bible studies. I attend Beth Moore’s Breaking Free in the morning and help lead Developing a Discerning Heart by Entrust that evening. I came home from the studies with a fresh awareness of the amount of pain and isolation in most women’s lives, the secret hurts that they have packed away, the unhealthy coping strategies they have adopted to survive in this sinful world, the guilt and shame they carry about their fallen condition, and the confusion about a God who not only has allowed this into their lives, asks them to acknowledge and feel the pain in order to heal but then to forgive the offenders if they desire complete release from this bondage. As if that isn’t enough, most of these women were wounded by the hands of their parents or by their parents sitting on their hands while they were wounded. Their perceptions of a loving Father, a good Shepherd, and an all-knowing Counselor are as twisted and distorted as the lies they carry in their hearts. These women live lives of quiet desperation trying to figure out how to “be joyful in all things” when they may have no clue what joy is. They try to live out the command to “love your neighbors as you love yourself” when the only feelings they have for themselves are loathing and self-hatred and may never have felt love. They are trying to force the truth of God’s love and compassion, His desire for an intimate relationship, His willingness to restore broken hearts into hard, dead hearts that are safely hidden behind shields to avoid any more damage or wounding.

So where is the good news in all of this? It is at the cross of Jesus. It is beginning to open the door to Him when He knocks on those doors of our heart we have bolted from the inside, the ones that we have used to bury all our pain and hurt and all the things that didn’t make sense. Healing begins when we allow the Shepherd to find us and bring us back into the flock, when we begin to choose fellowship over isolation. It begins when we entertain the possibility that the words of Isaiah 61 concerning why Jesus came to earth “to bring good news to the afflicted… bind up the brokenhearted…proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to prisioners” might actually apply to us too.

I believe there is more that we must do to put ourselves in a posture for receiving the healing touch of the Great Physician. We must come to know our Father. For those of us with hurts from earthly parents this can be a terrifying process. It is one thing to surrender and submit to the healing touch of a suffering Servant, Kinsman Redeemer, our Bridegroom, but when Jesus wants to take us into the presence of the Father for His healing touch we begin to panic. It is a much bigger step to voluntarily come in to the presence of the Almighty Father, Creator, El Elyon, the God who sees. What if God isn’t like His Son? What if He is more like our earthly fathers and less like a daddy? Can the God who destroyed nations, allowed plagues and natural disasters, sent the flood to wipe out a rebellious people, be a good God and loving Father? Can I trust Him? Will He really have time for me and want a relationship with me after all I’ve done?

The answer to these questions is a resounding, “Yes, you can trust Him. He is a good God and loving Father.” I have had many people ask me how I finally found God and learned to trust Him after so many years of depression and darkness. The simple answer is that I determined to know Him. (I love that word “determined”. It means to set your mind to, to decide. Paul used this word in 1 Corinthians 2:2 when he said, “For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.”) I realized after doing the Beth Moore “Believing God” study that I could believe in Jesus and accept His gift of salvation but I couldn’t believe or trust His Father. As hard as I tried and as much as I studied, I just couldn’t. I began to pray and ask God to help me believe and trust Him. I then began studying the Old Testament. I did inductive studies of the prophets, Daniel, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Hosea, Joel, and Zephaniah. I did Mike Bickle’s study on Song of Solomon. I did the other writings of Solomon, Ecclesiates and Proverbs. Right now I am finishing up a study of the Psalms. While I was studying these books of the Old Testament an amazing thing happened. I found God! He is not hidden. His footsteps and fingerprints are all over those books, and even more awesome is His heart for His children and the anguish He feels when His children suffer or He must discipline because of rebellion. I came across so many jewels of truth about who God is and how He feels about His children. Let me share just a few.

I already mentioned Isaiah 61 but have you ever noticed that verse starts out mentioning who was sending Jesus to bind hearts and release captives? “the Lord has anointed me…He has sent me …God was the One doing the sending, to provide a means of release for His trapped children.

In Hosea, God tells about how He will “allure her…speak kindly to her…give her vineyards as a door of hope…betroth her to Me forever in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and compassion.” Beautiful words of gentleness and love directed at wayward children, not the harsh, condemning words of a strict, unfeeling father. The verses that really showed me the true Father’s heart I was seeking were these.

What shall I do with you, O Ephraim?
What shall I do with you, O Judah?
For you loyalty is like a morning cloud
And like the dew which goes away early. Hosea 6:4

How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
How can I surrender you, O Israel?
How can I make you like Adman?
How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart is turned over within Me
All My compassions are kindled. Hosea 11:8

I could feel the anguish and sorrow of the Father at having to punish His rebellious children who had been warned time and time again until He had no choice but to let them bear the consequences of their disobedience. It wasn’t done with a mean spirit or great joy at inflicting pain, it was done by a grieving Father who knew the pain it would cause the children He loved so much, loved even when they were rebellious and disobedient. Could this be the Father I was looking for? Is this what was really in the heart of God? Did He love us that much that He would grieve over having to discipline us? Did He do everything we would allow to draw us to Himself?

It didn’t happen overnight but slowly as my “mind that was determined to know God” kept finding these truths about Him and allowing them to become part of who my God was, I found my heart beginning to grow softer and what was once only head knowledge was now truth in my heart. With this truth about God I was finally free to go to Him with my pain and trust Him for my healing.

If you don’t know God or don’t trust Him, look for Him. He loves it when His children seek Him. Determine with your mind, turn to Him. You will find Him.

“seek and you will find” Matthew 7:7