One of my favorite books of all times is “The Shack” by Paul Young. It is about a man who returned to the place where his “great sadness” began and what and who he finds while he is there. I returned recently to my own shack and “great sadness”, the place where childhood innocence was sacrificed for perversions, lies became truth, dreams died without ever being given a chance, guilt and shame were born, and coping patterns were adopted that insured survival but would later lead down a path so dark and fearful that death seemed like a better alternative. The trip back to this place held an element of anticipation, to finally have it behind me, to face the place where so much damage and pain happened as a child. Even though I was returning as an adult and I knew this place held no more danger for me, I wasn’t sure how I would react or feel. The one thing I had learned by experience was when one turns to face the past the fear and pain are as real and frightening this second time as they were the first time. This was the last piece in the process of healing and by returning and facing this place and the memories I could finally untie them and let them fall away, once and for all. I was ready to take the risk, to finally be loosened from this place that once held me captive to so much darkness and pain.
It would be a lie to say I went there absolutely fearless. Along with the feeling of anticipation for the freedom this trip would bring was a slight feeling of dread and apprehension. The “what ifs” began running through my head as we boarded the plane and started the journey back. What if I wasn’t as healed from my past as I thought I was? What if I relapsed and the voices, nightmares, and panic attacks started again? What if I had to go through all that again? What if I couldn’t do it this time? My restoration seemed so apparent and my life was finally starting to feel like living instead of merely survival while I was one thousand miles away but would it feel the same at ground zero? In spite of this doubt and fear, I knew that it was time to return and face whatever it was I found back there if I truly wanted to be free.
The setting for my “great sadness” is a small Midwestern town, once a booming oil town where money flowed as freely as the oil, but now stands as a victim of dwindling oil reserves and falling oil prices that left it a mere shell of it’s once former glory. The main streets that were once lined with expensive clothing, jewelry and furniture stores, car dealerships and banks are now mostly empty buildings with ugly, bare windows and old, faded signs. The few businesses in town that seem to be surviving are flower stores and mortuaries. Empty, abandoned houses are noticeable everywhere one drives. Neighborhoods that were once filled with families are quiet. A few new homes have been built but look eerily out of place next to the neglected and run down houses in the surrounding areas. The town appears to be more dead than alive but one gets the feeling that the remaining people don’t know where else to go so they stay. I’m not sure if it is my bad memories from this place or if this place really does have a sense of sadness about it that I never felt before. Did I bring the sadness with me or was it always there?
The exact site of much of my childhood wounding is on a quiet side street, much like most of the other neighborhoods in the town. The house was much different though than I remembered it. It was much smaller than I had realized. The outside now was rundown, paint peeling, wood exposed. The yard was overgrown with tall weeds and grass. The flower gardens were neglected and full of weeds. It wasn’t shrouded in mist or covered by creepy veins like one sees in horror movies but as a child it felt like it should have been. Even though it wasn’t the creepy castle from a horror movie, this place, now in a state of disrepair and neglect had an aura of ugliness about it that seemed more fitting to my memories of what had transpired under that roof so many years ago. To me it was a place of such pain and feelings of abandonment and betrayal that those memories were locked away for over forty years, left in the darkness of my heart to imprison me and alter the course of my life. The outside of the house now mirrored the ugliness of what had happened inside, the façade was gone. The lies were exposed.
At first, my return to this place felt very stifling to my newly opened, expanded heart. It felt like trying to stuff a size 20 body into a size 2 pair of jeans. I felt such a pressure to compress my heart, to accept the lies, to let the darkness back in, to undo all that God and I had done together over the last few years so that it would fit neatly and tidily into that tiny, hard, deadening box that it resided in since my earliest childhood memories. Although I have been told by so many people who know me, that my fresh, new, expanded heart is so evident and I am so different, it was not acknowledged or even noticed by those who have known me the longest. As I write the word “known”, I see the problem. Had they really “known” ME? Or did they only see the person they needed me to be, the one they shaped me to be, the quiet child, the good student, the keeper of family secrets, an avoider of all conflicts who never brought anything like that home, a child that demanded nothing and expected even less and never dared to hope for more. I could see there was no place in that world and still wasn’t, for the person I really am, for my needs, dreams, desires. Those feelings of being worthless, unloved, unlovable, unprotected were not born out of the vain imaginings of a child but were the reality of my life as a child. Even though I had found the truth and it had set me free, I was standing in the center of the same lies. I had changed but they hadn’t. What would I do with this?
Fortunately for me, the Jesus who pursued me relentlessly for years, following me as I moved from coast to coast, ran down so many dark and thorny paths full of detours and dead ends and finally loving me enough to let me break into a thousand little pieces when I couldn’t run any more, gave me the Truth. I was deeply loved, even cherished, that I always had been and always would be but not because of what I did but because of who I was, a daughter of the King of Kings. I was the much loved child of my Heavenly Father, Abba. I couldn’t buy His love, couldn’t earn it and couldn’t change it. I had always been a much loved Daughter and He had always been my Father, even during the darkest days of my childhood, only the lies and sin, both mine and of others, clouded and distorted that truth and kept me from seeing it. Jesus used that truth and with His gentle healing hands restored me and shaped me into the woman I was created to be. That new woman was standing now on the threshold of a decision, to resist the pressure and fight the lies and deception or to once again accept the lies as truth and let her heart shrivel up until it fit in that tiny, little, dead box that was born in this place of darkness.
It would have made a better story to say I wrestled with this choice, struggled with the decision for days, travailed in anguish about it but it wasn’t like that. It didn’t take me long at all to realize and acknowledge once again that I was free and that what Jesus has set free is free indeed! I didn’t need to accept those lies, let my heart shrivel up, become the person I used to be just because I was in that place. Just because the place hadn’t changed didn’t mean I couldn’t. That freedom I had found in Oregon extended all the way back to this place and especially in this place. It was mine I didn’t have to give it up, not even here, at the place of my “great sadness”. It now belonged to me to take with me wherever I went. I realized it was up to me to stand my ground, not compromise, and to allow my heart to stay open and soft, full of dreams and desires with complete trust that Truth wins in the end, He already had. Jesus paid a heavy price for that freedom but He once again reminded me that the choice was always mine, had always been mine and would continue to be. That day I chose to walk in Truth everywhere I go, especially when I return to places of darkness and lies. The last tie to my broken past had been loosed and it fell away…..once and for all.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Stepping onto His stage
Childhood abuse… sex trafficking…same sex marriages…legal abortions…cloning… financial crisis…unemployment…homelessness…divorce…worldwide terrorism…
Where is God? Has He forgotten us? Why does He allow this evil, chaos, and sin? Doesn’t He care?
God created all things and reigns over His kingdom. This is truth. The earth is full of sin and becoming more evil and depraved daily. This is also truth. Our confusion comes when we forget who is controlling the kingdom of earth where this sin and violence is occurring. Until the fullness of time when God sends Jesus back to claim His bride and reclaims the earth, He promises not to interfere with our freewill or to alter His plan of salvation for His children. We live in a world ruled by powers of darkness. Is it any wonder then that in our day the darkness is increasing?
God has the power to stop all this with a mere breath if He desired but He has a different plan with different purposes. Out of His overwhelming love for us and His ultimate desire that all would come to a saving knowledge of Him, God chooses to work through His children, flawed and imperfect as we are, allowing us the opportunity to see and experience His power and might, His love and compassion, His justice and mercy as we call upon and allow Him to enter into the confusion and pain of this earth. He allows us to “taste and see” the Kingdom of God while here on earth. God chooses to use our hands and feet, our voices, our prayers, even our doubts, limitations, and failings to break bonds, set captives free, heal, restore and save His children living in this dark, sin filled world.
God’s story is a grand narrative of love and redemption. It is a story of the relentless pursuit of a father for prodigal, rebellious children and the unbridled passion and longing of a bridegroom for his bride. The story of God and His Kingdom began before time as we know it and will continue into eternity. If we are believers we should not be sitting in the audience watching this epic unfold before our eyes, full of fear and confusion about the turn the story has taken as is the rest of the audience. We know how the story ends and who claims the final victory. As believers, we are called to be performers on the stage and to step out of the audience and onto the stage, into the pain and darkness unfolding around us, not as victims but as victors. God asks us, but never forces us, to take this step into His story, to claim the unique part He created for us before we were born. He asks us to accept His invitation to experience His Kingdom here on earth, to witness and participate in miracles, to be instruments used for freedom, to apply salve used for comfort, to do the impossible. He draws and woos us with His love and compassion to step onto the stage and accept our role.
There is no small part in His story and no prior experience is required, only a willing heart, an obedient spirit and ears to hear the voice of the Great Director. No one needs to fear or question their ability to perform since all personal strengths and abilities are left behind as we step onto the stage. One need not fear that they will forget their lines or ruin the plot because the Director is more concerned with the willingness to perform than the actual performance and can use even the most flawed or feeble attempt to bear fruit for His Kingdom. It is a grand story, His story, always about Him, never about us.
The Kingdom of God was before time, is here on earth now if we are willing to step into it, and will continue on forever, long after we are gone. The characters will change, the setting and background may vary, but the story line remains the same. That is God’s promise to us and His word is true. Maybe instead of asking “Where is God?” we should be asking ourselves “Where are we?” Are we seated comfortably in the audience watching the drama unfold around us or are we on the stage, engaging the darkness, and living out the role for which we were created?
Join me on the stage, anyone?
Where is God? Has He forgotten us? Why does He allow this evil, chaos, and sin? Doesn’t He care?
God created all things and reigns over His kingdom. This is truth. The earth is full of sin and becoming more evil and depraved daily. This is also truth. Our confusion comes when we forget who is controlling the kingdom of earth where this sin and violence is occurring. Until the fullness of time when God sends Jesus back to claim His bride and reclaims the earth, He promises not to interfere with our freewill or to alter His plan of salvation for His children. We live in a world ruled by powers of darkness. Is it any wonder then that in our day the darkness is increasing?
God has the power to stop all this with a mere breath if He desired but He has a different plan with different purposes. Out of His overwhelming love for us and His ultimate desire that all would come to a saving knowledge of Him, God chooses to work through His children, flawed and imperfect as we are, allowing us the opportunity to see and experience His power and might, His love and compassion, His justice and mercy as we call upon and allow Him to enter into the confusion and pain of this earth. He allows us to “taste and see” the Kingdom of God while here on earth. God chooses to use our hands and feet, our voices, our prayers, even our doubts, limitations, and failings to break bonds, set captives free, heal, restore and save His children living in this dark, sin filled world.
God’s story is a grand narrative of love and redemption. It is a story of the relentless pursuit of a father for prodigal, rebellious children and the unbridled passion and longing of a bridegroom for his bride. The story of God and His Kingdom began before time as we know it and will continue into eternity. If we are believers we should not be sitting in the audience watching this epic unfold before our eyes, full of fear and confusion about the turn the story has taken as is the rest of the audience. We know how the story ends and who claims the final victory. As believers, we are called to be performers on the stage and to step out of the audience and onto the stage, into the pain and darkness unfolding around us, not as victims but as victors. God asks us, but never forces us, to take this step into His story, to claim the unique part He created for us before we were born. He asks us to accept His invitation to experience His Kingdom here on earth, to witness and participate in miracles, to be instruments used for freedom, to apply salve used for comfort, to do the impossible. He draws and woos us with His love and compassion to step onto the stage and accept our role.
There is no small part in His story and no prior experience is required, only a willing heart, an obedient spirit and ears to hear the voice of the Great Director. No one needs to fear or question their ability to perform since all personal strengths and abilities are left behind as we step onto the stage. One need not fear that they will forget their lines or ruin the plot because the Director is more concerned with the willingness to perform than the actual performance and can use even the most flawed or feeble attempt to bear fruit for His Kingdom. It is a grand story, His story, always about Him, never about us.
The Kingdom of God was before time, is here on earth now if we are willing to step into it, and will continue on forever, long after we are gone. The characters will change, the setting and background may vary, but the story line remains the same. That is God’s promise to us and His word is true. Maybe instead of asking “Where is God?” we should be asking ourselves “Where are we?” Are we seated comfortably in the audience watching the drama unfold around us or are we on the stage, engaging the darkness, and living out the role for which we were created?
Join me on the stage, anyone?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Happy Anniversary?
It was one year ago today that the memory of my childhood sexual abuse surfaced and along with it the realization of what my childhood had actually been like. That day was the start of a long, slow crawl out of a very dark, depressing pit I had lived in for most of my life. I must admit to being a little confused as to how to treat this day. Do I mourn? Do I celebrate? I think what God wants me to do is a little of both.
What am I mourning on this day? I am grieving the loss of innocence that was taken away at a very early age. I am remembering the death of my childlike faith in a safe and nurturing world. I am feeling the hole that was created by the lack of protection and my loss of any sense of security. I am missing the memories of being cared for, cherished, and protected by people who love me. I am saddened by the feelings of fear, utter hopelessness and helplessness that are more a part of my childhood than any feelings of laughter, joy, and hope for the future. I am mourning for the life I could have had, the dreams I could have fulfilled, the joy and laughter I could have experienced had my past been different.
I don’t like to spend much time on these types of remembrances. My days out of the pit are far fewer than my days living in there. The lure of the pit becomes very tempting when I focus on the damage done, what lies were planted in my heart, and the experiences of my life that were distorted and corrupted, and the other people’s lives who were affected by my wounding. I begin to think about things like what it must feel like to be safe, deeply loved, and protected as a child and realize that I will never know those feelings. I ponder what it might have been like to marry for the right reasons instead of out of panic and despair and as a means of escaping an overwhelming situation. I can only guess at what raising children might have been like if I had not turned off my ability to feel so many years ago. How much did the selfish perverted acts of my uncle, the denial and the absence of adequate nurturing and protection by my parents cost me, my husband, my children and even my grandchildren? This is one of those questions for which I will never have an answer. I drive myself crazy with the “what ifs” when I allow these thoughts to creep into my head. God has shown me that I will never have a suitable answer for these questions this side of heaven and the only way to handle them is to give them to Him. He knows there isn’t an answer that will satisfy a wounded heart but He has shown me that He can satisfy my heart which makes the answer to those questions no longer important.
So much for the mourning on this day, what am I celebrating? I am celebrating true freedom from chains and bondage that were as real to me as any prison walls or bars. I am celebrating the change in my heart and my ability to feel all feelings, joy and pain. Yes, I am celebrating being able to feel pain because now the feelings of pain are appropriate to the wound or hurt and not distorted or magnified by lies and past damage. I am celebrating hope and the possibility of a victorious, abundant life and the awakening of a calling in my life to tell my story to other wounded people who are looking for a way out of their pit. Most of all, I am celebrating the knowledge of being a deeply loved and cherished daughter of the King of Kings. By facing and walking through the wounds of my past, I have been able to find my Savior and make Him my Lord. My life will never be the same. I guess I may even be celebrating the wound and the path I walked with my Savior to rescue and restore the damaged, overwhelmed, emotionally dead little girl that I had locked away so many years ago. Would I have found my way to Jesus without this wounding? I’m not sure but I do know that because of it, I did find Him and for that I will be eternally thankful. I can’t explain this and I won’t even try because I have learned that God’s way often don’t and never have to make sense. He is God and we’re not and that is enough for me.
What am I mourning on this day? I am grieving the loss of innocence that was taken away at a very early age. I am remembering the death of my childlike faith in a safe and nurturing world. I am feeling the hole that was created by the lack of protection and my loss of any sense of security. I am missing the memories of being cared for, cherished, and protected by people who love me. I am saddened by the feelings of fear, utter hopelessness and helplessness that are more a part of my childhood than any feelings of laughter, joy, and hope for the future. I am mourning for the life I could have had, the dreams I could have fulfilled, the joy and laughter I could have experienced had my past been different.
I don’t like to spend much time on these types of remembrances. My days out of the pit are far fewer than my days living in there. The lure of the pit becomes very tempting when I focus on the damage done, what lies were planted in my heart, and the experiences of my life that were distorted and corrupted, and the other people’s lives who were affected by my wounding. I begin to think about things like what it must feel like to be safe, deeply loved, and protected as a child and realize that I will never know those feelings. I ponder what it might have been like to marry for the right reasons instead of out of panic and despair and as a means of escaping an overwhelming situation. I can only guess at what raising children might have been like if I had not turned off my ability to feel so many years ago. How much did the selfish perverted acts of my uncle, the denial and the absence of adequate nurturing and protection by my parents cost me, my husband, my children and even my grandchildren? This is one of those questions for which I will never have an answer. I drive myself crazy with the “what ifs” when I allow these thoughts to creep into my head. God has shown me that I will never have a suitable answer for these questions this side of heaven and the only way to handle them is to give them to Him. He knows there isn’t an answer that will satisfy a wounded heart but He has shown me that He can satisfy my heart which makes the answer to those questions no longer important.
So much for the mourning on this day, what am I celebrating? I am celebrating true freedom from chains and bondage that were as real to me as any prison walls or bars. I am celebrating the change in my heart and my ability to feel all feelings, joy and pain. Yes, I am celebrating being able to feel pain because now the feelings of pain are appropriate to the wound or hurt and not distorted or magnified by lies and past damage. I am celebrating hope and the possibility of a victorious, abundant life and the awakening of a calling in my life to tell my story to other wounded people who are looking for a way out of their pit. Most of all, I am celebrating the knowledge of being a deeply loved and cherished daughter of the King of Kings. By facing and walking through the wounds of my past, I have been able to find my Savior and make Him my Lord. My life will never be the same. I guess I may even be celebrating the wound and the path I walked with my Savior to rescue and restore the damaged, overwhelmed, emotionally dead little girl that I had locked away so many years ago. Would I have found my way to Jesus without this wounding? I’m not sure but I do know that because of it, I did find Him and for that I will be eternally thankful. I can’t explain this and I won’t even try because I have learned that God’s way often don’t and never have to make sense. He is God and we’re not and that is enough for me.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
What I learned about sin from potato chips
I recently had the privilege of spending ten days with my husband in Hawaii. It was a great trip in many ways but in some ways it was one of the hardest trips I have ever done, even harder than the three mission trips to third world countries. It was great because I was able to wear a two piece swimming suit with my stomach showing for the first time in more years than I can count. The low carb diet, diabetic medicines and insulin have melted off enough weight that I can be an “uncovered”. You might be wondering what an “uncovered” is so I will explain. When my daughters and I went to Cabo for my fiftieth birthday we stayed at a resort that was pretty much a party resort. We classified the people there as either “uncovereds” meaning they wore tiny string bikinis with almost nothing left to the imagination or they were “covereds” like us who wore suits that showed no more skin than necessary. Actually in Hawaii I was only a semi-uncovered since my two piece suit still left a lot of skin covered but at least my stomach did see some sun! I guess that counts.
The hard part about this trip was the same thing that made it possible for me to become an “uncovered”, the low carb diet. Have you ever gone to a tropical paradise and tried to find something to eat that wasn’t crusted in coconut, dripping with pineapple or papaya, covered in mangos and macadamia nuts? It almost doesn’t exist. Do you know how hard it is to find a restaurant that doesn’t serve a large side of some type of starch as the main portion of the meal? For a former carb addict it was extremely difficult to watch as everyone else enjoyed the fresh tropical fruit and coconut and to smell the French fries, potato chips, rice, fresh baked bread and pastries. How many different ways can you make eggs and not have it all taste the same?
(As I am writing this I am convicted how selfish this sounds. I know there are starving people in the world who would love to know they could have eggs every morning for breakfast. Bear with me though and overlook my selfishness because there really will be a point to this.)
After about ten days of watching my husband and my friends enjoy the bounty of the tropical paradise, nosh on fish and chips every day, enjoy the appetizers at the bar every evening I had had about all I could stand. One morning I couldn’t even make myself go to breakfast with them. I could not gag down one more egg while they were eating macadamia nut waffles dripping in pineapple syrup. I had reached the end of my resistance. My constant exposure to carbs was more than this carb addict could take. That afternoon I ordered a hamburger for lunch and it was served with fresh made potato chips, which was one of my favorite carbs. (Even to write this makes my mouth water.) I fought it for a few minutes but finally I gave in and ate a small handful of chips. My husband looked on in shocked disbelief and tried to take them away from me. Of course, he had a French fry sticking out of his mouth as he was trying to wrestle my chips away. I realized at that moment what it is like to willfully sin, to know the right thing to do, the thing that is best for you, but to willfully choose to do what is not good for you and has the potential to do significant harm. In that moment it didn’t matter, long term consequences were the farthest thing from my mind. All I wanted was the momentary satisfaction of eating those chips. I feel a little silly writing about this but it was such a vivid picture of sin in our lives I felt I needed to share it. God showed me several things through this experience.
1. If you put yourself in situations where you are tempted to sin, one day in a weak moment, you will probably sin. Willpower only lasts so long and you can only be so strong. Potato chips taught me how weak my self control can be when overwhelmed and tired. I am well aware of the consequences of uncontrolled diabetes. My grandmother lost both of her legs from complications of this disease yet I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, even at the cost of my health….or legs. How many times do we put ourselves in situations we know could cause us to stumble and we allow ourselves to be tempted, often beyond what we can withstand? How often do we choose momentary pleasure or satisfaction even when we know it has the potential for some serious, long term consequences? Our good intentions are no match for the lure of the forbidden.
2. We can lead people into sin by the things we bring into their lives or putting them in situations where they are tempted. My husband felt almost worse about the potato chip incident than I did because he realized how careless he had been in selecting the places we ate and eating “forbidden food” so freely in front of me. Do you consider the needs of your brother or sister and what things might cause them to stumble? Are you someone who helps them fight a good fight or are you someone who brings temptation into their lives because it isn’t a problem for you? If so, are you really a friend?
3. It is much easier to live the life you were intended to live when you keep yourself separate from the things in the world that are snares for you. At home, I don’t keep anything in the house that I can’t eat, temptation is almost non-existent. Any passing food craving is quickly dispelled. The time and trouble it would be to go to the store gives me the time and space to fight the craving or find something I can eat that will satisfy my hunger. I also don’t feel deprived or like I am missing something when I eat at home. I have several great cookbooks adapted for this diet which allow me to enjoy a large variety of foods and satisfy my need for different tastes. It is only when I go to the grocery store or go out to a restaurant that I am reminded of all the things that are forbidden on this diet. This reminder can quickly send me into victim mode and start the food cravings. My focus quickly turns from all the good things I can eat to all the things that I can no longer have. I can very easily lose sight of all the benefits of eating this way and can see only the things I am missing. This sounds like an endorsement for living a sanctified life to me. If we constantly expose ourselves to things we shouldn’t be around like foul language, R and X rated movies, pornography, racy TV shows, drugs, alcohol, unhealthy relationships or whatever else causes us to stumble, we begin to look more like the world and less like a reflection of Jesus. The pull of the world and all it offers is so powerful that it can quickly change our focus and where we are focused is the path we will take. I understand why Paul gave so many warnings about the things of the world and the harm that they do to our walk and ultimately our witness.
I am happy to report that the small handful of chips I ate that day didn’t send my blood sugar through the ceiling nor did I become a hardcore carb addict again. I have only stumbled a few times since then and am still firmly resolved to follow this diet. My husband is paying much more attention about his diet and what he eats around me and where he takes me out to dinner. We both learned some valuable lessons that day on the beach in Hawaii about potato chips…..and sin.
The hard part about this trip was the same thing that made it possible for me to become an “uncovered”, the low carb diet. Have you ever gone to a tropical paradise and tried to find something to eat that wasn’t crusted in coconut, dripping with pineapple or papaya, covered in mangos and macadamia nuts? It almost doesn’t exist. Do you know how hard it is to find a restaurant that doesn’t serve a large side of some type of starch as the main portion of the meal? For a former carb addict it was extremely difficult to watch as everyone else enjoyed the fresh tropical fruit and coconut and to smell the French fries, potato chips, rice, fresh baked bread and pastries. How many different ways can you make eggs and not have it all taste the same?
(As I am writing this I am convicted how selfish this sounds. I know there are starving people in the world who would love to know they could have eggs every morning for breakfast. Bear with me though and overlook my selfishness because there really will be a point to this.)
After about ten days of watching my husband and my friends enjoy the bounty of the tropical paradise, nosh on fish and chips every day, enjoy the appetizers at the bar every evening I had had about all I could stand. One morning I couldn’t even make myself go to breakfast with them. I could not gag down one more egg while they were eating macadamia nut waffles dripping in pineapple syrup. I had reached the end of my resistance. My constant exposure to carbs was more than this carb addict could take. That afternoon I ordered a hamburger for lunch and it was served with fresh made potato chips, which was one of my favorite carbs. (Even to write this makes my mouth water.) I fought it for a few minutes but finally I gave in and ate a small handful of chips. My husband looked on in shocked disbelief and tried to take them away from me. Of course, he had a French fry sticking out of his mouth as he was trying to wrestle my chips away. I realized at that moment what it is like to willfully sin, to know the right thing to do, the thing that is best for you, but to willfully choose to do what is not good for you and has the potential to do significant harm. In that moment it didn’t matter, long term consequences were the farthest thing from my mind. All I wanted was the momentary satisfaction of eating those chips. I feel a little silly writing about this but it was such a vivid picture of sin in our lives I felt I needed to share it. God showed me several things through this experience.
1. If you put yourself in situations where you are tempted to sin, one day in a weak moment, you will probably sin. Willpower only lasts so long and you can only be so strong. Potato chips taught me how weak my self control can be when overwhelmed and tired. I am well aware of the consequences of uncontrolled diabetes. My grandmother lost both of her legs from complications of this disease yet I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, even at the cost of my health….or legs. How many times do we put ourselves in situations we know could cause us to stumble and we allow ourselves to be tempted, often beyond what we can withstand? How often do we choose momentary pleasure or satisfaction even when we know it has the potential for some serious, long term consequences? Our good intentions are no match for the lure of the forbidden.
2. We can lead people into sin by the things we bring into their lives or putting them in situations where they are tempted. My husband felt almost worse about the potato chip incident than I did because he realized how careless he had been in selecting the places we ate and eating “forbidden food” so freely in front of me. Do you consider the needs of your brother or sister and what things might cause them to stumble? Are you someone who helps them fight a good fight or are you someone who brings temptation into their lives because it isn’t a problem for you? If so, are you really a friend?
3. It is much easier to live the life you were intended to live when you keep yourself separate from the things in the world that are snares for you. At home, I don’t keep anything in the house that I can’t eat, temptation is almost non-existent. Any passing food craving is quickly dispelled. The time and trouble it would be to go to the store gives me the time and space to fight the craving or find something I can eat that will satisfy my hunger. I also don’t feel deprived or like I am missing something when I eat at home. I have several great cookbooks adapted for this diet which allow me to enjoy a large variety of foods and satisfy my need for different tastes. It is only when I go to the grocery store or go out to a restaurant that I am reminded of all the things that are forbidden on this diet. This reminder can quickly send me into victim mode and start the food cravings. My focus quickly turns from all the good things I can eat to all the things that I can no longer have. I can very easily lose sight of all the benefits of eating this way and can see only the things I am missing. This sounds like an endorsement for living a sanctified life to me. If we constantly expose ourselves to things we shouldn’t be around like foul language, R and X rated movies, pornography, racy TV shows, drugs, alcohol, unhealthy relationships or whatever else causes us to stumble, we begin to look more like the world and less like a reflection of Jesus. The pull of the world and all it offers is so powerful that it can quickly change our focus and where we are focused is the path we will take. I understand why Paul gave so many warnings about the things of the world and the harm that they do to our walk and ultimately our witness.
I am happy to report that the small handful of chips I ate that day didn’t send my blood sugar through the ceiling nor did I become a hardcore carb addict again. I have only stumbled a few times since then and am still firmly resolved to follow this diet. My husband is paying much more attention about his diet and what he eats around me and where he takes me out to dinner. We both learned some valuable lessons that day on the beach in Hawaii about potato chips…..and sin.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Am I ready for Christmas?
This is a question that I have been hearing a lot recently as the holiday quickly approaches. I am not sure how to answer this question, especially this year. My house has no tree or lights, not even a wreath on the door. The presents are unwrapped and still in my closet. Cards haven’t been addressed or even purchased. There has been no holiday baking or plans to do any. Does this mean I am not ready for Christmas?
After reflecting on this for a while I realized that this is probably the first Christmas season that I could answer truthfully with a resounding “Yes! I am ready for a time to remember the fulfillment of God’s promise to send a Savior and to reflect on all that was accomplished by this act of a loving Father and a willing Son.”
The season before Christmas is the Advent season. This is a season of preparation for the birth of Jesus, a time to prepare hearts to remember the gift of His Son and His time on earth, and to look forward with anticipation to the yet unfulfilled promise of a second coming of the Son as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords to establish His final kingdom. Advent is marked by feelings of hope and anticipation. It is a season of possibilities and new beginnings. It presents a question that even the non believers can’t ignore. If this child’s birth we are celebrating actually was Jesus, the Son of God, and He was born to a virgin, lived a sinless life, was killed and resurrected, could the rest of the story be true as well? Is He returning a second time to judge the world? Do I need to do something about this man named Jesus?
As for me, this was the year I have finally, irrevocably done something about Jesus, I opened the doors to my heart and let Him come in and allowed Him to change my cold, dead heart to a new soft heart full of His love and grace. My faith moved from head knowledge to a heart relationship but only after I opened the door and allowed Him access to the dark, hidden rooms that held all my pain and sin. The transformation in my life has been amazing and to me is nothing short of a miracle. I have truly been reborn, awakened to a life with hope and possibilities, given a chance to walk the path that I was created to walk which will bring meaning and purpose to all I have experienced. Eternity is now something I can anticipate with longing, for that time of endless sweet fellowship and relationship with the One who came back for me, who paid my price of admission into that fellowship with His life so that I might enter in.
To think it all started with the birth of a baby, a very special baby who came to set us free and who grew up to become the all powerful, victorious King of Kings who will return one day soon to establish His eternal kingdom of peace. What hope, what joy, what endless possibilities.
My heart is ready for this Christmas season even though the outward signs of the holiday aren’t evident yet. I realize now that the tree and lights, the gifts and cookies are not something I should do first to prepare for this season. For me, these are things I should do after I have prepared my heart to remember and refocus on the special gift of promise offered by this birth. They are outward signs of the joy, hope and anticipation that are living within my heart. They are reflections of the light, hope and love that I have living within me, something tangible I can share with the world. They are a celebration of the things He has done and have yet to do, a celebration of new beginnings and possibilities!
I think I am ready to go put up some lights and buy a few gifts for some special people! My prayer is that you, too, can find hope and joy this season and can see the unlimited possibilities that are offered by the birth of this baby.
Come, Lord Jesus, come.
After reflecting on this for a while I realized that this is probably the first Christmas season that I could answer truthfully with a resounding “Yes! I am ready for a time to remember the fulfillment of God’s promise to send a Savior and to reflect on all that was accomplished by this act of a loving Father and a willing Son.”
The season before Christmas is the Advent season. This is a season of preparation for the birth of Jesus, a time to prepare hearts to remember the gift of His Son and His time on earth, and to look forward with anticipation to the yet unfulfilled promise of a second coming of the Son as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords to establish His final kingdom. Advent is marked by feelings of hope and anticipation. It is a season of possibilities and new beginnings. It presents a question that even the non believers can’t ignore. If this child’s birth we are celebrating actually was Jesus, the Son of God, and He was born to a virgin, lived a sinless life, was killed and resurrected, could the rest of the story be true as well? Is He returning a second time to judge the world? Do I need to do something about this man named Jesus?
As for me, this was the year I have finally, irrevocably done something about Jesus, I opened the doors to my heart and let Him come in and allowed Him to change my cold, dead heart to a new soft heart full of His love and grace. My faith moved from head knowledge to a heart relationship but only after I opened the door and allowed Him access to the dark, hidden rooms that held all my pain and sin. The transformation in my life has been amazing and to me is nothing short of a miracle. I have truly been reborn, awakened to a life with hope and possibilities, given a chance to walk the path that I was created to walk which will bring meaning and purpose to all I have experienced. Eternity is now something I can anticipate with longing, for that time of endless sweet fellowship and relationship with the One who came back for me, who paid my price of admission into that fellowship with His life so that I might enter in.
To think it all started with the birth of a baby, a very special baby who came to set us free and who grew up to become the all powerful, victorious King of Kings who will return one day soon to establish His eternal kingdom of peace. What hope, what joy, what endless possibilities.
My heart is ready for this Christmas season even though the outward signs of the holiday aren’t evident yet. I realize now that the tree and lights, the gifts and cookies are not something I should do first to prepare for this season. For me, these are things I should do after I have prepared my heart to remember and refocus on the special gift of promise offered by this birth. They are outward signs of the joy, hope and anticipation that are living within my heart. They are reflections of the light, hope and love that I have living within me, something tangible I can share with the world. They are a celebration of the things He has done and have yet to do, a celebration of new beginnings and possibilities!
I think I am ready to go put up some lights and buy a few gifts for some special people! My prayer is that you, too, can find hope and joy this season and can see the unlimited possibilities that are offered by the birth of this baby.
Come, Lord Jesus, come.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Circling
I have had a rough week and find myself looking for the safety and darkness of that pit I lived in for so long. I am amazed how quickly I can slip back into some old ways of thinking and how easily it is to believe the lies.
Thanksgiving was a great family time. The house was full with kids, grandkids and “adopted” kids. My house always feel better when there are little ones sleeping in it. Although the family bonding was good, it was also a difficult season in many ways. This was the first holiday I got to try out my new low carb diabetic diet. That was quite eye-opening. I never realized how many times I tasted things I was cooking. A few tastes of mashed potatoes, gravy, and sweet potato soufflé and I am over my carb limit for a week. It was hard to buy, then cook the traditional turkey and ham dinner and only get to eat the meat and a few veggies. I guess I was feel a little deprived and felt a little betrayed by a body that just wasn’t working like it should.
This Thanksgiving was also the first official holiday without my daughter’s family being part of the festivities. We talked to them in India but somehow it wasn’t the same. The hole that they left is still there and feels really empty this time of year. Taylor’s birthday is coming right before Christmas and she is a little disappointed that I can’t “drive to India” for her birthday party. I admit I am disappointed too. I am saddened to think about Christmas without Hurricane Vars as a part of it. Things change, don’t they?
I went to the doctor for a follow up visit on my hormones and diabetes treatment. I was quite discouraged to hear the doctor warn me that my numbers were not coming down like he would like and we would try one more medication but if that didn’t work, injectible insulin would be the next step. I guess I wasn’t prepared for that. The reality of shooting myself in the stomach with insulin makes this disease very real and all of a sudden it assumes a much bigger role in my life than I wanted it to. So much for what I wanted…
And last but not least, I went to the eye doctor to find out why I was having so much trouble with my eyes. In my disillusioned state of thinking that maybe I had found the fountain of youth with this new diet and the meds I was taking, I was prepared to hear that my eyes had improved and that was why I couldn’t see. Wrong again! They actually have jumped a full diopter in each eye. That is one of the largest corrections I can remember. This increase on top of my already large prescription means I am really not a candidate for LASIK and getting close to the point where contacts will no longer be an option.
To say I am discouraged is an understatement and yes, I am having a pity party. If I am honest I am a little upset with God, too. Doesn’t He remember everything else I have been through this year? Haven’t I gone through more in these last few years then some people do in an entire lifetime? Is this love because it sure doesn’t feel like it? What would have happened to me if I had been one of His children if this is what happens to one of His own? I wanted to start the backhoe and begin digging out the opening to my pit but then I chose to do what I had learned over the last year, to turn to God with my disappointment and discouragement and to trust that He would be there.
I am doing an inductive study of the Psalms and this morning I read Psalm 109 where David is venting to God about how he is feeling about being slandered. David didn’t mince words or try to make it sound politically correct or pretty. He just told God what He was feeling which is funny because God already knew but He wants us to acknowledge it before He does anything about it. After studying that Psalm for a while I was encouraged to do the same thing. If God allowed David to say what was on his heart, wouldn’t He listen to me as well? I began journaling about my disappointments and frustrations and just like He did with David, He allowed me to get it all out. I am always amazed that God, the creator of all things, will give me the time to vent about what is on my heart and not only that He will allow me to do it, He wants me to do it. I am certainly not David yet He listens. That is still a mind boggling truth to me.
After I vented and acknowledged my disappointment with my situation and with God, He began reminding me of a time during my journey out of my past when it wasn’t moving fast enough and felt like I wasn’t making any forward progress. At that time, God told me we were circling just like my husband does when he is waiting his turn to land at an airport and just like Moses did out in the wilderness for forty years. He very gently reminded me that He was in control, His way and His timing, and that this is a season of further refining much like the wilderness experience was for Moses and his followers. He wants me to work through my disappointment with life and with Him but continue to love and obey Him in spite of it. I am not always going to get my way, things are not always going to work out the way I had hoped, would I continue to follow Him if this happened? Would I still love Him if my situation doesn’t improve or gets worse? What is in my heart? Will it stay open to Him even if life isn’t fair or doesn’t make sense? He can’t or won’t force me to continue on with Him, it will always be my choice but what better way to learn this then to walk it out. He doesn’t promise us a walk without disappointment or pain, He does promise to be with us as we walk out whatever it is that is on our path.
I would like to say I am totally better but that wouldn’t be truth. I am comforted and confident that God is with me and He is in control. I have resolved to walk through these situations with His grace and strength and to keep my heart open to Him. I don’t know how long this season of circling will continue, I am praying that it doesn’t last forty years like it did for the exiles in the wilderness but whatever happens I have the assurance that I am not walking it alone so for now you can find me circling.
Thanksgiving was a great family time. The house was full with kids, grandkids and “adopted” kids. My house always feel better when there are little ones sleeping in it. Although the family bonding was good, it was also a difficult season in many ways. This was the first holiday I got to try out my new low carb diabetic diet. That was quite eye-opening. I never realized how many times I tasted things I was cooking. A few tastes of mashed potatoes, gravy, and sweet potato soufflé and I am over my carb limit for a week. It was hard to buy, then cook the traditional turkey and ham dinner and only get to eat the meat and a few veggies. I guess I was feel a little deprived and felt a little betrayed by a body that just wasn’t working like it should.
This Thanksgiving was also the first official holiday without my daughter’s family being part of the festivities. We talked to them in India but somehow it wasn’t the same. The hole that they left is still there and feels really empty this time of year. Taylor’s birthday is coming right before Christmas and she is a little disappointed that I can’t “drive to India” for her birthday party. I admit I am disappointed too. I am saddened to think about Christmas without Hurricane Vars as a part of it. Things change, don’t they?
I went to the doctor for a follow up visit on my hormones and diabetes treatment. I was quite discouraged to hear the doctor warn me that my numbers were not coming down like he would like and we would try one more medication but if that didn’t work, injectible insulin would be the next step. I guess I wasn’t prepared for that. The reality of shooting myself in the stomach with insulin makes this disease very real and all of a sudden it assumes a much bigger role in my life than I wanted it to. So much for what I wanted…
And last but not least, I went to the eye doctor to find out why I was having so much trouble with my eyes. In my disillusioned state of thinking that maybe I had found the fountain of youth with this new diet and the meds I was taking, I was prepared to hear that my eyes had improved and that was why I couldn’t see. Wrong again! They actually have jumped a full diopter in each eye. That is one of the largest corrections I can remember. This increase on top of my already large prescription means I am really not a candidate for LASIK and getting close to the point where contacts will no longer be an option.
To say I am discouraged is an understatement and yes, I am having a pity party. If I am honest I am a little upset with God, too. Doesn’t He remember everything else I have been through this year? Haven’t I gone through more in these last few years then some people do in an entire lifetime? Is this love because it sure doesn’t feel like it? What would have happened to me if I had been one of His children if this is what happens to one of His own? I wanted to start the backhoe and begin digging out the opening to my pit but then I chose to do what I had learned over the last year, to turn to God with my disappointment and discouragement and to trust that He would be there.
I am doing an inductive study of the Psalms and this morning I read Psalm 109 where David is venting to God about how he is feeling about being slandered. David didn’t mince words or try to make it sound politically correct or pretty. He just told God what He was feeling which is funny because God already knew but He wants us to acknowledge it before He does anything about it. After studying that Psalm for a while I was encouraged to do the same thing. If God allowed David to say what was on his heart, wouldn’t He listen to me as well? I began journaling about my disappointments and frustrations and just like He did with David, He allowed me to get it all out. I am always amazed that God, the creator of all things, will give me the time to vent about what is on my heart and not only that He will allow me to do it, He wants me to do it. I am certainly not David yet He listens. That is still a mind boggling truth to me.
After I vented and acknowledged my disappointment with my situation and with God, He began reminding me of a time during my journey out of my past when it wasn’t moving fast enough and felt like I wasn’t making any forward progress. At that time, God told me we were circling just like my husband does when he is waiting his turn to land at an airport and just like Moses did out in the wilderness for forty years. He very gently reminded me that He was in control, His way and His timing, and that this is a season of further refining much like the wilderness experience was for Moses and his followers. He wants me to work through my disappointment with life and with Him but continue to love and obey Him in spite of it. I am not always going to get my way, things are not always going to work out the way I had hoped, would I continue to follow Him if this happened? Would I still love Him if my situation doesn’t improve or gets worse? What is in my heart? Will it stay open to Him even if life isn’t fair or doesn’t make sense? He can’t or won’t force me to continue on with Him, it will always be my choice but what better way to learn this then to walk it out. He doesn’t promise us a walk without disappointment or pain, He does promise to be with us as we walk out whatever it is that is on our path.
I would like to say I am totally better but that wouldn’t be truth. I am comforted and confident that God is with me and He is in control. I have resolved to walk through these situations with His grace and strength and to keep my heart open to Him. I don’t know how long this season of circling will continue, I am praying that it doesn’t last forty years like it did for the exiles in the wilderness but whatever happens I have the assurance that I am not walking it alone so for now you can find me circling.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Things I am thankful for
As Thanksgiving nears, I have begun thinking about what I am thankful for this year. This has been a very difficult year, a year of loss, pain and sorrow. It has been a year of accepting and grieving losses and pain that goes back to my early childhood. Could I find anything to be thankful for? As I began to reflect on this past year I was quite surprised by the things I found on my list.
1. I am thankful for the car accident on February 14. This car accident which caused double whiplash forced me to a chiropractor, who sent me to a massage therapist, who sent me to a naturopathic doctor, who saw more than the whiplash and began looking for the reasons I couldn’t heal and was having so many other health problems, which resulted in the diagnosis of diabetes, low thyroid function, a viral infection, and menopause (this wasn’t a surprise!), which led to a total diet change, medication and supplements, which resulted in weight loss, energy, relief of most of the health problems, and healing in my neck and back. Looking back, I believe the car wreck, as painful as it was and still is during prolo injections or deep tissue massages, probably saved my life, at least my legs and my eyes. One added benefit of all these health issues has been that God has used my physical symptoms and pain to teach me about my spiritual symptoms. More than once He reminded me about being “stiff-necked” and from someone healing from whiplash, I knew exactly what He was saying. Thank you A&D & staff and Theresa.
2. I am thankful for my husband who has stuck by me for 35 years. It wasn’t an easy task, especially the last few years before the memories and truth finally came out. As my darkness increased, so did my frantic efforts to get out, unfortunately, my husband was the one who bore the brunt of much of my frantic flailing. His love and support, his steadfastness and patience, his willingness to walk through this with me, go to counseling sessions, pray with me when I couldn’t sleep or had a panic attack and was so disoriented I couldn’t remember where I was, has given me space to heal. His provision for me has allowed me the time I need to take care of myself. He is now getting to know and adapt to the “new me”, the one God created me to be, and thinks he might like this one as well or even better than the me he married. Thank you, Marlin. I love you.
3. I am thankful for my sons, Jake, Cody, and Ryan (I am including you in this, you have become one of mine). They have stood by me during this season of processing. They have cried with me, supported and encouraged me, helped me with projects I couldn’t do, been there when their dad was out of town to make sure “momma” was OK. They have been willing to discuss how my past might have affected them because I raised them “in my darkness”. They have forgiven me for any wounds or pain I caused them during their childhood and continue to include me in their lives because they want to, not because they have to. Thanks guys. I love you all.
4. I am thankful for my daughters, Kate and Shi (you are one of mine, too). These women have been an amazing support system through this whole ordeal especially in light of the fact that they were dealing with their own ordeals, a kidney donation, a daughter with epilepsy, miscarriage, pregnancy, caesarean section, moving. Both of them realized how much I needed to hear from or spend time with my grandchildren and went out of their way to give me that time. Their patience and support, their lack of judgment or pressure, their willingness to include me in fun things gave me the strength and courage to keep walking through the process on those really dark days when nothing made sense. Thank you both. You are such great mothers to my grandkids. I love you.
5. I am thankful for my grandchildren, Taylor, Logan, Allie and Adrie. They are the reason I am still here and didn’t give in to the voices that said to take my own life. They are the reason I began to question things about myself, my past, and why they were the only ones I could love or feel love from. I know God used my grandchildren to begin the process of cracking open my dead, hard heart so He could begin the work of restoration. I often thought that my grandchildren were the only ones who could ever see the real me trapped inside that life of darkness. They have given me such vivid examples of being accepted and loved for who I am. They have taught me how to play, have fun, be childlike, things I never learned during my own childhood. Thank you, you have all given me much more than I feel I can ever give you. I love you all.
6. I am thankful for my friends. I am so blessed to have a group of godly women who have walked with me in the darkness, then through the valley and up the mountain and are now ready to get to know the “new restored me”. God has used these women in so many ways from phone calls on days I was so full of despair I wasn’t sure if I could continue, Bible studies and times of prayer, incuding me in normal activities that didn’t include the words abuse, pornography, neglect or abandonment. They have cried with me, grieved with me and stood in the gap for me until I could stand on my own. They have provided a safe place for me to heal. Thank you, ladies. I love each one of you like a sister.
7. I am thankful for my new friends who have allowed me to walk with them as they travel through their own valleys and up their mountains. I feel so humbled and honored to be part of the healing process that God is doing in their lives. Hold on, sisters. Keep walking. I promise you it is worth the effort and pain.
8. Most importantly, I am thankful for my faith in God, the gift of salvation through the blood of Jesus, and the working of the Holy Spirit in me to sanctify me and lead me into the presence of God. This year that is winding down brought me to my knees in every aspect of my life: health, financial, physical, emotional, marital, and spiritual. I broke into a thousand tiny pieces. Everything I thought I was, I had, I deserved, I controlled was put under the Light of Truth and sadly, much of it was found to be rubbish, lies, sin that had to be discarded. I was naked and defenseless, totally vulnerable and dependent. At one point in my journaling after a rough day with the lure of the pit and the comfort of the darkness calling, I asked God why this process of dealing with the truth and weeding out lies was so painful and took so long. God answered me with a vision of putting puzzles together with Taylor and Logan. He reminded me that the first thing we did was to sort the pieces and make sure we had the right pieces for the right puzzle (since we often did two at the same table and the same time) and that all the pieces were out of the boxes. God told me that the process I was going through was like that, getting all the pieces out and then sorting them to see which pieces really belonged in my puzzle only He was the one doing the sorting and He would be the one to put it together. (It was such a beautiful encounter with God that I will share the whole thing at another time.) Imagine, the One who created the universe was willing to sort my puzzle pieces and then put me back together the way He created me to be. It was through encounters like that with God that He became real to me, that He became my Abba, Jesus became my Friend and Confidant, the Holy Spirit became my Intercessor and Guide.
I never understood how God expected us to be joyful in all things and to be thankful in all circumstances ( Eph. 5:20 and 1 Thess. 5:18). Now I know and am continuing to learn how to do this well in a manner pleasing to the Lord. I am still not quite ready to list my childhood or my sexual abuse as things I am thankful for but I know God isn’t quite finished with the process yet. Maybe they will be on the list next year!
Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. When someone asks you what you are thankful for, think outside the box, you might be surprised what you find. I know I was.
1. I am thankful for the car accident on February 14. This car accident which caused double whiplash forced me to a chiropractor, who sent me to a massage therapist, who sent me to a naturopathic doctor, who saw more than the whiplash and began looking for the reasons I couldn’t heal and was having so many other health problems, which resulted in the diagnosis of diabetes, low thyroid function, a viral infection, and menopause (this wasn’t a surprise!), which led to a total diet change, medication and supplements, which resulted in weight loss, energy, relief of most of the health problems, and healing in my neck and back. Looking back, I believe the car wreck, as painful as it was and still is during prolo injections or deep tissue massages, probably saved my life, at least my legs and my eyes. One added benefit of all these health issues has been that God has used my physical symptoms and pain to teach me about my spiritual symptoms. More than once He reminded me about being “stiff-necked” and from someone healing from whiplash, I knew exactly what He was saying. Thank you A&D & staff and Theresa.
2. I am thankful for my husband who has stuck by me for 35 years. It wasn’t an easy task, especially the last few years before the memories and truth finally came out. As my darkness increased, so did my frantic efforts to get out, unfortunately, my husband was the one who bore the brunt of much of my frantic flailing. His love and support, his steadfastness and patience, his willingness to walk through this with me, go to counseling sessions, pray with me when I couldn’t sleep or had a panic attack and was so disoriented I couldn’t remember where I was, has given me space to heal. His provision for me has allowed me the time I need to take care of myself. He is now getting to know and adapt to the “new me”, the one God created me to be, and thinks he might like this one as well or even better than the me he married. Thank you, Marlin. I love you.
3. I am thankful for my sons, Jake, Cody, and Ryan (I am including you in this, you have become one of mine). They have stood by me during this season of processing. They have cried with me, supported and encouraged me, helped me with projects I couldn’t do, been there when their dad was out of town to make sure “momma” was OK. They have been willing to discuss how my past might have affected them because I raised them “in my darkness”. They have forgiven me for any wounds or pain I caused them during their childhood and continue to include me in their lives because they want to, not because they have to. Thanks guys. I love you all.
4. I am thankful for my daughters, Kate and Shi (you are one of mine, too). These women have been an amazing support system through this whole ordeal especially in light of the fact that they were dealing with their own ordeals, a kidney donation, a daughter with epilepsy, miscarriage, pregnancy, caesarean section, moving. Both of them realized how much I needed to hear from or spend time with my grandchildren and went out of their way to give me that time. Their patience and support, their lack of judgment or pressure, their willingness to include me in fun things gave me the strength and courage to keep walking through the process on those really dark days when nothing made sense. Thank you both. You are such great mothers to my grandkids. I love you.
5. I am thankful for my grandchildren, Taylor, Logan, Allie and Adrie. They are the reason I am still here and didn’t give in to the voices that said to take my own life. They are the reason I began to question things about myself, my past, and why they were the only ones I could love or feel love from. I know God used my grandchildren to begin the process of cracking open my dead, hard heart so He could begin the work of restoration. I often thought that my grandchildren were the only ones who could ever see the real me trapped inside that life of darkness. They have given me such vivid examples of being accepted and loved for who I am. They have taught me how to play, have fun, be childlike, things I never learned during my own childhood. Thank you, you have all given me much more than I feel I can ever give you. I love you all.
6. I am thankful for my friends. I am so blessed to have a group of godly women who have walked with me in the darkness, then through the valley and up the mountain and are now ready to get to know the “new restored me”. God has used these women in so many ways from phone calls on days I was so full of despair I wasn’t sure if I could continue, Bible studies and times of prayer, incuding me in normal activities that didn’t include the words abuse, pornography, neglect or abandonment. They have cried with me, grieved with me and stood in the gap for me until I could stand on my own. They have provided a safe place for me to heal. Thank you, ladies. I love each one of you like a sister.
7. I am thankful for my new friends who have allowed me to walk with them as they travel through their own valleys and up their mountains. I feel so humbled and honored to be part of the healing process that God is doing in their lives. Hold on, sisters. Keep walking. I promise you it is worth the effort and pain.
8. Most importantly, I am thankful for my faith in God, the gift of salvation through the blood of Jesus, and the working of the Holy Spirit in me to sanctify me and lead me into the presence of God. This year that is winding down brought me to my knees in every aspect of my life: health, financial, physical, emotional, marital, and spiritual. I broke into a thousand tiny pieces. Everything I thought I was, I had, I deserved, I controlled was put under the Light of Truth and sadly, much of it was found to be rubbish, lies, sin that had to be discarded. I was naked and defenseless, totally vulnerable and dependent. At one point in my journaling after a rough day with the lure of the pit and the comfort of the darkness calling, I asked God why this process of dealing with the truth and weeding out lies was so painful and took so long. God answered me with a vision of putting puzzles together with Taylor and Logan. He reminded me that the first thing we did was to sort the pieces and make sure we had the right pieces for the right puzzle (since we often did two at the same table and the same time) and that all the pieces were out of the boxes. God told me that the process I was going through was like that, getting all the pieces out and then sorting them to see which pieces really belonged in my puzzle only He was the one doing the sorting and He would be the one to put it together. (It was such a beautiful encounter with God that I will share the whole thing at another time.) Imagine, the One who created the universe was willing to sort my puzzle pieces and then put me back together the way He created me to be. It was through encounters like that with God that He became real to me, that He became my Abba, Jesus became my Friend and Confidant, the Holy Spirit became my Intercessor and Guide.
I never understood how God expected us to be joyful in all things and to be thankful in all circumstances ( Eph. 5:20 and 1 Thess. 5:18). Now I know and am continuing to learn how to do this well in a manner pleasing to the Lord. I am still not quite ready to list my childhood or my sexual abuse as things I am thankful for but I know God isn’t quite finished with the process yet. Maybe they will be on the list next year!
Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. When someone asks you what you are thankful for, think outside the box, you might be surprised what you find. I know I was.
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